Lego Flooring Sucks: An Open Letter to Target and Costco

Dear Target and Costco:

I have spent fortunes in your stores. In fact, I visit so often that my 3 year old son calls you "Popcorn" and "Hot Dog", respectively, because those are the rewards he gets if he's a good little monkey while we shop in your store.

So listen, I have a question for you guys. Whose bright idea was it to put those fucking red bumps outside of your doors? You know the ones I mean, right? The crippling ones on the floor that regularly break my eggs and cause my son, who is still sitting in your cart on our way into the parking lot, to grimace in pain as his testicles are pounded back into his stomach and beyond. Yes, those red bumps.

I would really love to meet the brain trust who thought that these might be a good idea. Seriously - what the fuck?! They practically shake me to my knees, knock my shit around in the cart and hurt my feet through my shoes. What possible good purpose could they have???

As if all of that weren't enough, I am a woman of a certain age. And in case you missed the memo, we don't like to be uncontrollably shaken when standing upright. I'll not go into any further detail, other than to say that it has to do with the back of our arms and our necks. Of course, the only thing worse than personally going over the bumps is being behind an obese person trying to make their way through it. I'm surprised that my eyes aren't bleeding.

So please, be good little stewards of commerce and give Lego their red flooring back before someone gets hurt by the back bacon of a fat chick.




Dog Breath said…
I've been to two costcos in CA and they both have those red bumps.

Maybe the commerce whore that is costco has herpes?
Jormengrund said…
They only keep those bumps there to make sure that any breakables you're trying to sneak out of the store don't make it home in one piece..

The only problem is that they haven't yet figured out how to stop it from breaking all of the stuff you bought legally..

But they're willing to deal with that in order to save that $2.50 in costs!
Jessica said…
I hate to break it to you guys...but those little red bumps are for the seeing impaired. When they run their canes over those bumps, they know they are either near the edge of a sidewalk or near an entrance way of a door.
Bex said…
Dog Breath - If only I could put a condom on the bottom of my cart and be 98% guaranteed unaffected.

Jormengrund - I don't know...but I hate it.

Jessica - That surprises me. The seeing impaired are so sensitive ... why would they need such a wide and deep "field of alert"? Plus? I'm going to assume that they wouldn't drive themselves home, right? So then there should be someone with them to help guide.

And then, if these were being used nationally wouldn't they put those on every "field of entry" onto any street??? I don't know ... it doesn't make sense to me.
David said…
Here in my east coast enclave, we don't have those fields of nipples at the entrances or exits of TarJay or Costco stores.

We have them on some sidewalk curb cuts and on the subway platforms but that is because the gov't is paying for them.

Dear Bex,

Those "red bumps" as you call them significantly increase our repeat egg sales. They also seem to increase sales in the women's support product department.

These things help Target's bottom line. And face it, if Target doesn't make profit, then there won't be any Target shopping for you or your popcorn and hotdog scarfing progeny.

So get over it.


Gregg Steinhafel
CEO, Target
You can buy eggs at Target? I had no idea.

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