Skip to main content

You GO, Grandma!

I have taken several self-defense courses in my day. I'd say it's a good thing to be as prepared as possible when violently attacked. Hopefully, if it ever happens, I won't stand there with my thumb up my ass wondering, "Do I smack him in the nose first and THEN stomp on his foot...or is it the other way around?? Or, maybe I should contemplate my 'Fight or Flight' options again...."

So when I read the story about an 88 year old woman in Oregon who was attacked in her own home by a NAKED intruder who chased her through the house and then shoved her face down into a chair, I briefly wondered what I would do (beyond defecating in my pants) if something like this were to happen to me. I cannot imagine how terrified she must have felt.

But I do know something that she felt - and that, Ladies and Gentlemen, would be his "package".

After having her face shoved down into her own chair, she must have thought, "You know what? I don't FUCKING THINK SO." So she reached her arm behind her back, grabbed his junk and squeezed - HARD. According to the news reports he "tore himself free" and fled. [Any man reading this just squeezed his knees together and leaned forward with a grimace on his face.]

I hereby award this 88 year old firecracker the "You GO, girl!" award.



All day long I'm going to be singing to myself, "Go, go go - Go Grandma. It's your birthday! We're gonna party like it's your birthday! Sip Bacardi like it's your birthday! Go Grandma!"

He's lucky she didn't rip it off and smack him with it.

Comments

Jormengrund said…
Think about this for a second Bex..

At 88, she might have been trying to rip it completely off, since she's obviously not had somethign real like that in a while..

Makes for a great souvenir, and play toy when the time comes.. (sorry, bad pun!)
Beck said…
That was an interesting post.

I laughed out loud when you wrote:

"He's lucky she didn't rip it off and smack him with it."

Ah, it's good to have you back girl! You're funny.
Bex said…
I don't know, Jormengrund, dicks are pretty much a dime a dozen anymore.

Beck - Thanks! How's the painting coming along? I now think about you whenever I see a winter scape - I wonder if the artist struggled with freezing paints!

Happy New Year!!!
Dog Breath said…
If you move to Florida are you automatically retired now?

Hows your IQ holding up?

[end of Florida stereotypes]
Anonymous said…
Glad to see you back, Bex. We've missed you.
robkroese said…
Sticking your thumb up your ass is actually the first move in a complex martial arts maneuver known as the "Rabid Skunk."
Merrie said…
Hey, if he's going to just leave them hanging around in plain sight, he's just asking for it! Go Grandma!!
Bex said…
Dog Breath - You do realize that I moved here from GEORGIA, don't you? I'm not planning on throwing any stones....

Thanks, Unfinished! It's good to once again have enough spare time to devote to something that earns no money. (Wow. That is, quite possibly, the worst grammar I've ever thrown into one sentence. Wow.)

Diesel - Oh, I'm a semi-pro stick my thumb up my asser. Don't worry about me....

Merrie - You can say THAT again! Now that they've caught him and he's in jail, I wonder what his next move is. Sadly (for him) he stands an excellent chance of being someone's "bitch" in the joint. After all, he's already had his ass kicked by an 88 year old.

Popular posts from this blog

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

So you know...I live in Florida now. The good news is that my southern accent is stronger than ever - I think it was some sort of defense mechanism...of or for what, I have no idea. I definitely miss Atlanta and my friends, though, especially now. Spring in Atlanta is SO beautiful. But Florida is pretty nice, too. We go to the beach at least once a week and we all love having a pool in the backyard. Also, my husband makes me a Planter's Punch every night and I don't even feel guilty by knocking it back - we're on vacation, right?? A couple of weeks ago I was reading the news and saw this weird picture: In case your eyes can't make sense of it, I'll give you a hint. It's not a puppy. I'm guessing it's not an air freshener, either. It is, in fact, a Burmese Python that ruptured and now has a really big dead Alligator sticking out of it's stomach. Oh, and something ate the snakes head off. That's why there is no head there. National Geographic has

Oooohhh...I just LOVE when you wrap it around me... do it again, please?

I had heard that "crack" kills. I just never really believed it until I saw it with my own eyes. (Bless his heart.) About 3 years ago I was 6 months pregnant and had two daughters (aged 4 and 5). We were all traveling from Bellingham, WA to Atlanta, GA with a VERY brief layover in Dallas. We were booked on a major airline that should remain anonymous as they are a bunch of asshats (but they rhyme with "Mamerican Mairlines") and we had to leave for the airport at 3:30 AM in order to catch our 7AM flight. It was Suck City. By the time our car arrived in Seattle my husband and I were barely speaking to each other and the girls had marks on their faces and arms from the backseat smack-down they had while out of our reach. When I went to the counter to speak with the representative she informed me that even though our seats had been purchased many months ago and seat assignments had been given all of that had changed and we were no longer sitting together as a family. I

The Wild and Wonderful World of Animal Butts

Hello, Boys. How're they hangin'?? Several years ago my dad and I were hiking in California. It was a beautiful afternoon and we were on a mountain trail. We came upon some kind of farm that had a fence around it. Suddenly I saw it - a pig lying down with his "sac" squeezed out behind him. It looked as though someone had stuffed two basketballs under his skin. My first thought was, "Holy crap, pigs can get elephantitis??!" This was quickly followed by thought number two which was, "I would give anything to be sharing this experience with anyone but my father ." So I did what anyone could do in such a situation. I took a picture of the pig balls. I decided that I would put it on the cover of my Christmas cards that year and when the card was opened it would say, "Deck the halls...." I haven't done it yet but I will...yes, I will. You may be wondering why I brought this up. It has to do with baboons and Darwin. At the risk of dramatical