The Devil in a Blue (Bankers) Dress


You know...the economy is freaking me out. I suppose it's freaking out a lot of us. There are so many things to worry about - the poor are having a tough time. And the ill-informed AND poor, well, those poor bastards are really taking it up the corn hole.

My regular readers will know that the house of Bex was not spared bumpy times...the hubs was laid off in September and was lucky enough to get an AWESOME offer from a new and improved company - but we have to move to Florida. So we are, as I speak, preparing to move from a place and home we love. But like I said - we're really lucky.

I have actually pitied the banks throughout all of this. They are really getting raked over the coals. The very people who went into the banks on their hands and knees, begging for money are now throwing rocks through bankers front windows, denouncing their having "taken advantage" of those either unwilling or unable to read the fine print of mortgage documents.

Give me a break. Take responsibility for yourself, people.

And the banks are working double time, trying to make a better name for themselves. Or, so I would have thought until I opened up my mail today. I received a compelling offer from Chase Bank. Although I don't work (and haven't for 10 years), I have somehow managed to receive a $25,000 unsecured loan.

The offer letter states, "Pay tuition, take a vacation...you're one phone call away from the financial freedom you deserve."

Oh really. Taking a fancy vacation on your $25k loan is going to somehow enable me to gain financial FREEDOM. Interesting. Seems to me that even that choice of language is a big "FUCK YOU" to the people who are losing their asses right now.

So I threw out my offer and picked up the next piece of mail. It was addressed to my TWO YEAR OLD BOY. Thing Three, being a toddler, doesn't get a lot of mail so I was fairly curious about the contents.

It stated, "Dear Mr. Three: Congratulations are in order. You've been selected to apply for a Card that reflects your achievements...."

Let's stop right there. As far as I'm aware, the only thing this kid has "achieved" in his lifetime is a series of corn filled dumps that have run out of the side of his "Leak PROOF!" (don't even get me started...) Pampers. Don't get me wrong - I love this kid more than I love breathing. But achievements?? Give me a break!

The letter further offers, "A card designed to reward you and bring you the extra service and privileges you require."

He hasn't even earned the privilege of drinking out of a Big Boy Cup, so I'm pretty sure that this American Express Rewards Plus Gold Card will be out of his league. And he has not yet made me aware of any privilege he requires. But don't worry, Amex, if he suddenly comes up with a requirement to access frequent flier lounges, I'll be sure to let you know.

My point is, Bankers, I was on your side. But it is clear to me now that there is something inherently fucked up about the way you do business. It's like you're part angel and part devil. The Angel Banker says, "Please...read ALL documents carefully as they ARE legally binding. Serious consequences can and will occur should you end up stiffing us..." while harp music plays innocently in the background.

Then the Devil Banker pulls up behind you and whispers, "Hey, You...with the big ass...yeah, YOU! You don't think those silly little rules apply to YOU do you?? Nah...those are for the other people. You are special and obviously somehow entitled to wealth you didn't earn. Whoop it up, Buddy! Welcome to the Good Life!"

What a racket.


Comments

Heinous said…
The banks were unscrupulous throughout the whole deal, but people who made 30k a year still should have done the math when they were cleared for a 120k house.
Jormengrund said…
Um, Bex?

I hate to rain on your parade, but I've got some news:

You've been selected for a once-in-a-lifetime offer!

Yes, if you act now, and email me, I'll let you know all about it.

All that you need to do is send me $5,000 bucks, and I'll guarantee that you'll never make the same mistake again!

That's right! I'll teach you how to spot those phony ads that only want your money!

Before you act, make sure you let all of your friends know about this great offer!

Not only that, but this comment will be given to you for free this time only!

Now, isn't that a deal?
Dog Breath said…
Have Three fill out the App in crayon and send it in.
I've never ever been a big fan of banks.

I won't tell you the name of my current bank, but it rhymes with "pompous". Before that, we banked with Bank One.

I used to call it "Bank One - Customer Zero". They got gobbled up by Chase. Serves them right.

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