Just a little off the top, please.

My husband wanted two kids. I wanted three. We had two girls and he thought that was perfect. I wanted just one more little one.... We discussed it. We debated it. He scoffed. I pleaded - all to no avail.

Until we went to Mexico. A few gallons of Margarita's later and the next thing you know - Hello, Sailor! - now we have Thing Three. Everyone agrees that he perfectly complements our family. But if my husband could have had a vasectomy as they were finishing up my C-section I'm sure he would have happily done so.

Sagely he waited until I was capable of walking across the room before scheduling his appointment. When I told him that I would drive him he seemed surprised but didn't argue. The girls were in school and I brought the baby with me who I knew would sleep throughout. (Besides, everybody knows that men who are going to have their penis operated on LOVE to have their kids around them.)

The hubs was determined but anxious. He signed in and we made nervous chit-chat, trying to pass the time. Suddenly they called his name and off he went.

I quickly became bored with the sleeping baby and the Field and Stream magazines that were very abundant so I began people watching. The first thing I noticed was that this place reminded me of an adult bookstore. The people who worked behind the desk were women; the customers were all men. Also? None of the men were making eye contact. Their eyes were darting back and forth with desperation that screamed, "Please don't take off any more than you absolutely HAVE to!"

Some poor bastard walked in with a small brown paper lunch bag. He accidentally made eye contact with me and I smiled at him. He turned around and left. Five minutes later he skulked in with his back to the waiting room and mumbled something unintelligible to the nurse. She asked him to repeat himself and then looked at the bag in disgust and said, "Oh, NO, Honey! We don't handle THAT stuff up here! No, Baby...you need to take your SAMPLE to the back and give it to the laboratory!"

I really wanted to walk up to this guy and say, "Hey! I'm looking for a guy who was sitting in the parking deck, jerking off into a cup. Have you seen him??" But I didn't. I looked around at the pained faces around me and realized that I was the only person who thought that this was pretty damned funny. Then I wondered about what was going on with my own poor bastard on the other side of the door.

Here is what happened to him:

He was led into a medical procedure room that was precisely 38 degree's where he was invited to take off all his clothes and sit on the operating table that was made out of stainless steel. Seconds became minutes. Minutes became eternities. After 15 of sitting bare-assed on a steel table an enormous dark skinned nurse burst into the room. She didn't say a word but managed to capture his interest because she grabbed the end of his penis and yanked it - hard. (Like I said, it was really cold in there.) Anyway, she yanked "it" out of his abdominal cavity and TAPED it with medical tape to his leg. All without saying a word.

And then she left the room. It was over 20 minutes before the doctor came into the room.

When he told me about what happened I said, "Let me get this straight. You had to sit naked on a cold steel table for over 30 minutes before they even started the vasectomy?? And then a fat lady grabbed your dick and duct taped it to your LEG without even saying 'good morning' or 'please cough'?! And then she left you just sitting there - junk all taped up for 20 minutes??!"

It was at that precise moment I decided to quit bitching about pap smears. And I'll never look at frozen green peas the same again, either.


sista #2 said…
Least she could have done was told him she loved him while she yanked it.

kc said…
He got off lightly, compared to TNO's vasectomy reversal story. Still, at least you know he's really serious about not having more kids if he's willing to endure that. You'd think a male doctor would be more sensitive to that kind of thing.
I think this junk taping fetish is really about to take off.
Jormengrund said…
That's not the half of it Bex!

Maybe some day I'll tell about my vasectomy operation, and then at another time I'll talk about the decision to get a reversal..

Night and Day stories..




But it's true! You get to see some chick come into the office and reach for your stuff, only to have them treat it like last week's garbage, and then walk out before you can say something like "cold hands?" or anything!
Bex said…
Sista #2 - or at least said, "WOW!" with an appreciating nod.

KC - Now that you mention it, I remember the Nemsing One's story. I should have linked to it. Not that he needs any help...he's kicking my ass.

Doug - Well, I don't like to kiss and tell, but we normally reserve "tape and bondage night" for special occasions. Like our anniversary. And Thursdays.

Jormengrund - I wonder why they can't just knock you guys out. I would imagine that many more men would be willing to do it if it came with a nap.
Nooter said…
i feel his pain
Heinous said…
Wow, that sounds awkward. They should at least serve drinks.
muskrat said…
this shit scares me. i'm told i need to have this done but am too big of a wuss.
Jormengrund said…
I have a tip for every guy expecting to get this done.

Go to a surgeon. A pro.

Don't go to your GP for this!

Also, make sure that it's a guy, NOT a girl.

Not to sound sexist, but ladies just don't seem to get a complete grasp as to how sensitive our stuff can be!

After talking with MANY guys, the overwhelming amount that didn't have that bad of a problem with the vasectomy part were guys who went to a professional surgeon (male). They were out in about 30 minutes, and were completely recovered in about a week.

Those that fared the worst?

The ones who went to a female General Practitioner.

The two guys who dealt with this, well one had to go back in for another operation, as something wasn't completely done, and the other bled for an extra week!

Seriously. Take my advice. It's more help that you can truly know!
Paige said…
I still dont think it compares to childbirth. Especially three times!
Shieldmaiden96 said…
"Not to sound sexist, but ladies just don't seem to get a complete grasp as to how sensitive our stuff can be!"

Precisely why I go to a female for my annual 'shocks and struts' check. Because I don't want someone coming at me with metal tools who hasn't had their own yearly inspections.

Why don't they hire retired fluffers for the junk taping? At least they know what they are doing.
weesle909 said…
I have two kids and don't plan on having more.

But I'm hoping having my laptop literally in my lap a couple of hours a day will effectively do the same thing as the procedure...
leigh said…
my hubs was going to have one, but then wussed out. what happened to your husband was funny, but nothing like the ordeal which is childbirth. i don't think you ever think about your body the same way again after 4 or 5 people have watched you push out a small cantalope-sized human from your woo.
Chris Wood said…
You should've got him one of those "I'm having a vasectomy" paper hats!

He'd have loved that.
Bex said…
Nooter - REALLY?! Is this something I should be concerned about????

Heinous - I think 'awkward' is probably the perfect word for it. Every time I "reach for it" I worry that he might have a nightmare-like flashback and put me in a head lock. (So far, so good, in case you were worried.)

Muskrat - Oh, come on. You know you want to see your stuff taped to your leg.

Jormengund - I think you should get it done with a dude, too. All I know is, if I had to do it I might accidentally snicker. I'm guessing that would be deemed rude.

Paige - Amen, Sista! But, to be honest, I had three c-sections. They give out pretty good drugs for that so I can't really complain.

Shieldmaiden - I prefer female gyno's myself. I like a little sensitivity when I have a metal clamp "down there" and am getting poked in some internal organ by a really long Q-tip.

I think that you are really onto something with your fluffer idea. You need to MARKET that shit. Get a little start-up going.

Along those same lines, I wonder if anyone has ever gotten an erection while getting a V. It seems like it would be physically impossible, BUT there are some awful big freaks out there...

Weesle - I think you're onto something there, Brotha! I've heard that laptops do something....

Leigh - I've only had c-sections, so I don't know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I just feel self-conscious when we are in the Meat section of the grocery store, wondering "ugh...is THAT what the inside of my stomach looks like??!@ Blech!"

Chris - They were out of the hats so I bought him the "Ask ME about my twigs and berries!" shirt instead. He looked really cute in it....

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