How to f*ck up a kid in five short minutes.

My kids get their hair cut at a little boutique that specializes in children. Pretty much anybody who goes there is uber preppy and, if they are a girl, has a ginormous pink (or white) bow in her hair. The moms are very preppy, also. Everyone but me, of course. [Cuz I'm too gangsta to be preppy, yo. Well...I might be a little preppy. Let's say that my preppy:gangsta ratio is roughly 6:4. Something like that, depending on the moment, the beverage and whether or not there is a disco ball in the room.]

In the middle of the little store there is a table with a train on it. My son LOVES the train and always makes a beeline for it and grumbles loudly when it's his turn to have his hair cut. Today was no exception. While his hair was being cut J. Crew must have temporarily closed their doors because a huge group of alpha moms and their Soon-To-Be-World-Leaders offspring showed up.

There must have been 10 kids ranging between 3 and 4 milling about with the girls standing out because of the big bows. The moms were networking, sharing tips about housekeepers, tutors and the price of a flight to Bermuda. Suddenly one of them shrieks, "Thurmond Alexander!"

Thurmond, who is about 4, looks at his mother and smiles. I almost immediately understand that this future Senator has taken a leak on the floor and sections of the train.

She digs into her purse and produces a single kleenex and begins daintily blotting at 3 quarts of pee that is beginning to spread like cancer on the floor and through the toys. She says loudly, "Well, it's a good thing that urine is sterile!"

It was obvious this statement wasn't meant for her kid - she was talking to the rest of us: the moms trying to discreetly steer our kids out of the tidal wave. I looked around, waiting for someone to say, "Oh, yes! Thank God your sweet son came along and sterilized all of these toys for us! We feel super awesome about the fact that MY kid has YOUR kids pee on his socks! Yep...let's do this every Thursday, shall we??? Except, maybe next time don't give him asparagus* for lunch."

But everyone pretended like all was not stinky and gross, choosing instead to continue with their power-chats. She stood there with him for a few minutes and then, finally, seemed to give up on the idea that the Petit Prince would have his hair cut at this moment in his saturated pants.

Eventually she said in a very rough voice, "Well, come on Mr. Pee Pee Pants!" Thurmond "Pee Pee" Alexander had a different idea - he wanted to continue standing with his legs at an awkward distance apart, kind of squatting down - while playing with the damp trains. The alpha moms continued to ignore her as she eventually snatched his arm and dragged him out of the store.

As soon as they were outside he went into a full-blown meltdown, complete with horror movie screams and flailing. In fact, it was probably a good thing his bladder was empty.

She continued dragging him to the car where she yanked down his pants and threw him into the car seat of the biggest SUV I've ever seen.

I watched them drive away wondering about the wisdom of mocking your son who just had an accident in front of a dozen strangers. The same strangers that you just tried to convince that it was actually a good thing that your well-hydrated son just took a leak on them and the toys they were enjoying. But what do I know? Yesterday I laughed at one of my kids because, while she was having a tantrum and crying, she banged out the biggest fart I've ever heard. Seriously. My ears are still ringing.

* Have you ever eaten asparagus? If you have a spear of asparagus and then urinate even 10 seconds later your pee REEKS. One time we had some friends come over for dinner and asparagus was on the menu. A couple of days later the wife called to thank me and we got to chatting. She said that she loved our asparagus dish and inquired as to how I made it. So I told her and, in an effort to be self-depreciating, said, "Well, I'm glad you liked them. But they probably made your pee smell bad, so sorry about that."

There was deafening silence on the other end of the phone. A slow gasp escaped from her and then she eventually began laughing. Apparently she had never heard about the stinky asparagus pee situation and when she got home that night she went to the bathroom it was such a bad odor she worried that she was dying or something. The next morning she woke up early and bought a douche to clean herself up.

Link to humor-blogs.


kc said…
OMG, that is so funny about the asparagus pee! I always forget, because I love it, but then...

That poor little boy. She probably pinched him on the way out the door and that's what caused the fit. Society mommies don't spank in public, but they can get in a pinch discreetly. If I were him, next time I'd wait & pee in the SUV. So as not to embarass her, y'know.
When I was a kid, I had a similar accident (in school). That's the reason when I became a teacher, I'd give out hall passes like doctors give out lollipops.

In truth, I've never fully recovered from the embarrassment, and my messed-up-ed-ness can be witnessed on my blog til this day.

btw, thanks for the asparagus tip. One more food for Vegetarian Daughter to stay away from.
Deb said…
Too bad the kid didn't pee on the preppy moms and sterilize them so there would be no more Thermunds, or whatever the hell his name was, in the world.

(Sorry. Not enough coffee yet.)
Jormengrund said…
You know, I once had the same issue happen while I was taking my kids out to get their hair cut.

However, I am one that tends to speak my mind, and I said something to the effect of "Good thing he let it all out now, before he could squat in the barber chair and let it loose for us all to sit in" type of things.

I was asked not to come back in, because the lady that I made fun of was the barber's wife...

You never know..
Half-Redneck said…
Karma is a bitch. That's hilarious.
Laura said…
As soon as I saw the "asparagus-with-an-asterisk" I started laughing...SO knew what was coming...asparagus pee is truly alien.

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