Bad Stove, Bad Stove - Whatcha Gonna Do? Watcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?


Sit down, pour yourself a drink and catch THIS shit.

A woman in Washington State was cooking dinner when she was suddenly shot in the leg. When I read this I was immediately reminded of the 80's show, Dallas. Who the hell would shoot a cooking woman??!

Was it...
An ungrateful but hungry child?
A pissed off husband, determined to never eat that goddamned meatloaf again?
The envious neighbor who is jealous of her award winning road kill pie?

It sure as hell wasn't JR. No, it turns out that the stove itself shot her. Yes, I know this doesn't sound possible. If a stove could have feelings of murderous rage, my GE would have doubtlessly busted a cap in my ass years ago. But I think we can safely say that stoves don't have feelings. Plus? They don't have opposable thumbs, making pulling the trigger extremely difficult (so they say).

There are, apparently, three quick steps to getting a cap busted in your leg by your stove:

1. Purchase a case of bullets.
2. Spill said bullets in the kitchen, letting at least one fall into newspaper you use to ignite your wood burning stove.
3. Light your stove.

Once your stove is packing heat there is something that you need to know. You must be able to perform your own surgery and remove the bullet that has pierced your skin. That's what our heroine, Cory Davis, did. She removed the fragment and then drove herself to some sort of medical facility. This may not be fair but I'm imagining live stock wandering around a small community hospital. The doctor has chicken feathers stuck to his pants. The nurses wear lots of lipstick but don't have all of their teeth. You know what I'm talking about....

At any rate, here is the morale of the story:

Guns don't kill people. Bullets errantly dropped into your stove and left to simmer kill people. Let's all try to remember that, please.

Comments

Jormengrund said…
ROFL

I actually only live a couple of miles from where this happened.

You're not too far off with the hick-like atmostphere, but I have to admit that her ability to do self-surgery left me a bit speechless!

Now, if I could only figure out some way to rig the stove to shoot my in-laws when they decide to come over and visit......
All you have to do is rent "No Country for Old Men". It pretty much goes over the step by step process of removing a bullet fragments from your own body in the comfort of your hotel room (or own home, whatever the case may be).
Skip said…
And I'm sure this woman had a McCain/Palin sign in her front yard.
Bex said…
Jormengrund - really???

Doug - Good tip. Thanks....

Skip - Or at least an NRA endorsement sign.
Paige said…
And that is precisely WHY I do not and will not cook.

And won't sit with my back to the stove when I watch TV

Popular posts from this blog

Every woman's dream - a homemade MacGyver vibrator (with the optional mullet attachment)

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna