Never, EVER eat the bean dip if you plan on drunk driving. Really.

Once upon a time there was a man called Jose A. Cruz who hailed from Clarksburg, West Virginia. He was 34 and, I would guess, funny looking. One evening he went out with the boys and "had a few". Just all in good fun. Boys will be boys, you know....

On the ride home he figured that if he didn't turn his headlights on he wouldn't have to deal with any awkward questions from The Law. It must have been quite a surprise when he was pulled over because of the lack of headlights. The responding officer noticed that he reeked of cheap booze and had slurred speech so they gave him a field sobriety test which he failed not once, not twice, but THRICE. Somewhat predictably, they arrested him.

He was transported to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Not to be outdone, our hero - after what I'm sure was some serious and lucid self-reflection - tilted over to his side, farted loudly and fanned the nastiness into the face of his arresting officer. Did you hear that??? He audibly farted and then hand-grenaded it onto a cop.

The officer, once he had regained consciousness, put him under arrest and charged him with battery. Battery, in case you were wondering, is defined as "a crime consisting of physical contact that is intended to harm someone." That must have been one heinous fart, my friends. We're talking sulfurous death cloud.

The complaint stated, "The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons." Nothing like a ripe been-drinking-cheap-whiskey fart to clear the room, I always say.

Not to be outdone, Cruz responded with the classic line of defense, "I couldn't hold it no more!" He admits farting but has denied sending said fart to the officer in the hand-grenade fashion so many middle school boys are fond of.

This sounds like one classy, sexy man. I wonder if he has all of his teeth. My guess - absolutely not.

Now before you West Virginians start feeling defensive that people are laughing at your state and its general population, I'll admit we have our crazy and unkempt neighbors, too. In fact, for your viewing pleasure, I have the following video of an Atlanta woman who is, shall we say, Coo Coo. This has subtitles, which I think you'll agree makes things a bit easier to understand. Enjoy!

And if you thought that was funny, go to And if you voted for me by clicking on my LOL head, well, that'd be aces.


Jormengrund said…
I often wonder why people get in trouble for expressing their feelings at getting arrested.

I mean, if you were to go to therapy about it, the doctor (aka Shrink) would advise you to let your feelings out.

So this man was only following directions in not internalizing his frustration, and for that, he gets even more of a sentance?

I think if anything, the cop should have to pay the man's therapy bill!
Hey, I ripped on West Virginians too (pardon the pun) regarding Mr. Cruz's unfortunate outburst.

Great minds think alike :)
Where IS President Charley?? And of course she has to have her Do Rag on to meet him!!! Everyone knows that.
kc said…
As my daddy always says, he has to let it out or his guts will blow up! and that would prolly fall under police brutality.

I don't know how that person got away with taping that crazy girl, but it could probably be used as evidence against HER when she "President Charley" (presses charges).
leigh said…
tha fuck!?

ok, you win. i think houston just might be ok compared to this craziness.
Candice said…
Okay, your video was so damn funny that I had to watch it twice. I'm pretty sure that lady is in need of a straight jacket and some tranquilizers. . . Perhaps a muzzel as well.

Thanks for the laugh.
Shieldmaiden96 said…
A co-worker and I were once treated to a lecture on a MARTA train about the origins of Easter. A quote that sticks in my mind: "The womens would paint themselves up like Easter eggs and run off and have sex with the mens. In the woods." This went on pretty much all the way from Peacthree Center to Hartsfield. I never do public transportation without headphones and a thick book anymore.
Bex said…
Doug - I'm not was too good NOT to write about. I'll check yours out in a minute.

Keeper - I ALWAYS wear a do rag when meeting any President.

Kc - MY daddy always says, "Hey...did you hear a duck?" And I'm like, "Pops. I am firmly in my thirties now. I know it's not a fucking duck."

Leigh - Yep, we can really roll 'em out when we need to.

Candice - The first time I saw it there were no subtitles. But it was still funny. And disturbing...that poor old lady who was the initial recipient of the looney rage. But when I saw it with subtitles I knew I had to share it.

It's hard to imagine her ever doing anything normal. When she wakes up in the morning, I'll bet that she doesn't go pee, throw on a robe and shuffle downstairs to make coffee and contemplate the day before her. No, I think it's far more likely that she wakes up screaming at inanimate objects while hopping around with her hair in her hand.

Shieldmaiden - Hey! I know that lady....

The grossest thing I ever saw on Marta was a guy jerking off on the outside of his very baggy pants. The train was packed and he was grunting loudly and really going for it. Of course, in situations like these other people (with a larger portion of sanity) become extremely silent. And this seems to amplify the awkwardness of his erection, grunting and self-love.

Fun for the whole family, really.
muskrat said…
i've got to spend more time on marta. i need to meet this fine young lady asap.
Bex said…
Muskrat - I keep thinking about the poor old lady who was subjected to the rage from this nut job. I wish that someone had spoken up earlier to defend her.

And then the guy who snatched off whatever was on top of her head - what the hell was THAT about?! Did he think that might calm her down a bit? I guess, in a way, it worked. She went from an aggressor to a victim who is going to "press charges".

I found out after I posted this that she's apparently bipolar and that her family has been trying to get her help. I also learned that she (deservedly) spent some time in the pokey for her tirade. I hope she gets the help she obviously needs. And I hope that the old lady takes some karate lessons so the next time she's threatened by a lunatic on marta she can chop her in half.
Fae said…
OK? That's why I don't take public transportation!

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