My BlackBerry's Big Day Out At The Mall
A couple of weeks ago I got a new phone. It's a BlackBerry and is so shiny and new - I love it. There is no Cheerio crumb/paste mixture stuck in the edges. There has not been any juice, coffee or cosmo spilled on it. It is pristine. For now.
Later that same day I had to pick up a shirt for one of my numerous kids at the mall so I strapped my snazzy phone on the waistband of my pants, grabbed my bag and away I went. I was browsing around when suddenly I felt the unpleasant stomach bubbles that typically preceed horrific diarrhea. I stopped - dead in my tracks - and waited to see what would happen. It went away and I took inventory, "Am I going to crap in my pants?" I felt ok, so I continued shopping.
Suddenly the bubbles were back, coming in waves about every 10 seconds. I ran with my shirt to the register. There was not a store employee in sight. The retail warriors who jumped my ass with offers of "Could I help you find something in particular? Are you sure???" were now nowhere to be seen. Bitches. More stomach bubbles which caused me to say, "UMMM....HELLLLLOOOOO????!"
The sales person came out, rang me up and then asked me if I'd like to buy some socks. That felt totally random. I'm buying a shirt. Who the hell said anything about SOCKS???! Not me, that's for damn sure. I told her I didn't want any and she said, "OK, but they are $6 for 3 and $10 for 6!" I looked at her as my stomach continued to bubble and said through clenched teeth, "Just. The. Shirt. Oh. And where are the toilets? You know, just in case I need to go later...." I don't know why but I never want to admit to anyone when I have to go. I'm sneaky that way, I guess.
Anyway, the loo was ALL the way across the mall so I ignored her offer to save 15% if I opened up a credit card, snatched my bag and ran to the bathroom, frantic with worry that I wouldn't make it. I kicked the door open, dropped my pants and sat down (after wiping the seat, of course!). And ... nothing happened! After a minute or so I heard a vibrating noise and looked down at my pants. My spanking new cell phone was on vibrate. I slowly realized that the vibration was over the same part of my stomach that was "bubbling".
As I sat there, taking in the aroma of a mall toilet, I tried to embrace the idea that I had mistaken a ringing cell phone for impending diarrhea.
What a fucking genius I am. I want to go to graduate school but I can't tell the difference between an internal bodily function and an external business tool. Perhaps I should be lucky that they let me operate heavy machinery and call it a day.