Lordy, Lordy, I'm friggin' FORTY!

Oh, snap. Today is my fortieth birthday. FORTY! As in, I'm not in my 30's anymore! It's kind of a shock. Isn't that weird? It's like having a clown car sneak up on you - you can see and hear it coming - yet somehow you're still surprised when the clowns start piling out. It's the same thing with my age. I knew I was progressing nicely through the thirties. Yet somehow, I went to bed when I was 39 years and 364 days old and woke as a forty year old. My first thought was, "What the fuck...I'm how old?!"

I've heard that many women have some "work" done in their 40's, believing that little "tweaks" here and there are more natural looking then if you have a major overhaul when you turn 60. When a forty year old gets something done her friends say, "Wow! You look well rested - that vacation did you wonders!" But when a woman of "a certain age" gets it done her friends give each other knowing looks and say, "...ahem...".

Either way, I'm not opposed to a little freshening up, as long as it doesn't look like this:


I think that maybe Donatella means "Cougar" in Italian. She looks like she eats choir boys for breakfast in-between deep drags on her tiperello cigarettes.

Onto the boobs! I've had three children and nursed them all, so it's possible that my rack might need some tuning. I've heard that sometimes women get implants to fill out a sagging chest which I'm guessing is not really what happened here:

On the plus side, I suppose they'd be helpful in a motorcycle wreck. Of course, a motorcycle wreck would most likely be caused by all of the wobbling going on in your shirt. Sadly, I am quite fond of sleeping on my stomach so I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass these puppies up (does anybody else hear my husband sobbing in the next room??).

I've also heard that there are all sorts of neato things they can do to your face to even out your complexion, pull the sagging skin around your eyes up and give your face that sexy, waxy appearance everyone seems to rave about. So I thought I'd look into it.

Sweet fucking niblets. Mickey Rourke - WHY?! You were so hot in 9 1/2 weeks and NOW look at you! You look like you'd melt underneath a 25 watt light bulb. DUDE. Seriously....

Of course, a post on plastic surgery wouldn't be complete without his royal highness, The King Of Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Have-You-Gone-And-Done-To-Yourself-You-Crazy-Nutjob?!

He looks like a Mr. Potato Head that Tim Burton would create. At least he's making himself scarier so that, hopefully, it will become more difficult to entice a child into his boudoir. *shudder* Oh! And nice pubes on your chin. I normally don't like that look, but you can really pull it off....

Last, but not least, is the Poster Child for all that is bad in the plastic surgery arena:

Bless her fugly heart. I really don't even know what to say except that if I lived to be 110 years old - died - and then was buried for three years and then dug up and photographed I would STILL look better than this chick. So at least I've got that going for me.

Feel free to check out humor-blogs for some funny stuff. You could sign up and vote for me, too, while you're there. It wouldn't kill you, you know. They don't even spam! I can't even stake that claim....



Comments

Liz C said…
Welcome to adulthood! And I can only wish I looked like I did at 40. I'm staring at 50 and it ain't pretty.

My favorite line: 'You will never be as young as you are today.' Embrace that and enjoy your 40yo self.

I keep thinking about 'getting something done' but I keep seeing pix of people who just don't look quite right. I'm almost thinking there is no such thing as good plastic surgery.

The only exception would be if my eyelids keep drooping to the point where I can't see the ceiling. How can I watch for spiders if I can't see the ceiling??

Happy Big One!
Jormengrund said…
Happy Birthday Bex!

I'd have to say that you're coming into your prime sex years, according to most women's journals!

(Not that I need to read those, but you women talk about EVERYTHING, so it just so happens that I can read and rememebr it..)

You're keeping us laughing, and that more than makes up for the year gone by. Keep up the great work!
Philly said…
I'm in my 50's, feel just as good as I did at 40, except maybe the eyes going a bit, menapause setting in, ya know the usual.

#1
leigh said…
welcome to the club, hotness!!

as for having work done, i started this year. did you see my post about my freaking neck!!??? i love it and it's only the beginning (much to the hubs dismay).
Merrie said…
What the hell was that at the end? And how am I supposed to sleep tonight??

I hear 40 is the new 30, so enjoy your 30's all over again. And if you want to touch something up, I say go for it. Smart to do it now, like you said.

FYI, Mickey Rourke was in some kind of accident that ruined his face. I want to say car or boxing -- I don't know why. I'll have to hit up google.

Happy Birthday!!
Jailbird said…
those pictures - God I think I just lost my lunch.

Happy 40 B-day!
Happy birthday! Welcome to 40. I'm making my way toward 41 in a couple of months. Anytime I think I may need some work, I'll just think of that creepy Mickey Rourke. He looks like that melting face Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones!
kc said…
Donatella looks like she just ran into a window. And that (wo)man at the end....Jebus. That's just NAS-TY.

You are beautiful. You are a Bex Goddess! I hear you roar, all the way from Texas. Have a happy, happy BD.
muskrat said…
happy birthday (again)!

those pics are terrifying.
Jinksy said…
Happy Birthday.

Don't think of it as turning 40. Think of it as hitting 20 for a second go-around.
Jarrard said…
Happy Birthday!!! I will be 40 this month too and although a little weight loss wouldn't hurt me, the freshening up days are a little way away (at least in my mind they are - don't ask those around me though).

I hope you had a great day! I'm looking forward to mine!!

Do you think that any of those people ever look in the mirror and say "WHAT THE HELL????"
Bex said…
Liz C - That's a great line - and so true. I would get something done, but would be really careful about checking out the credentials first.

Jormengrund - Thanks....

Philly - I want to be in menopause. Not having to deal with the "monthly bill" anymore would be wonderful.

Leigh - Yeah, that was a while ago, right? You do look amazing. And, BTW, I LOVE the song on your blog. Sometimes I just come by, not necessarily to read but to listen! Of course, I always end up reading (and laughing) anyway!

Merrie - She really is a beast. She's some kind of plastic surgery addict in NYC. She looks like she could blink her ears shut. (bless her heart)

Regarding Mickey, I heard that he had a botched up face lift, then his career started tanking, then he took up boxing. He'd get banged up boxing and then get more and more surgeries until one day he woke up and - VOILA! He looked like he does today. Scary. Let me know if you do find out something different...I'd feel bad if he had an accident and I'm all busting his balls and everything.

Jailbird - After I found all of the pictures I looked in the mirror and felt pretty good about what I saw. At least my nose doesn't scare small children and old men.

FADKOG - OMG! You're so right! (I just shuddered.) Creepy, creepy.

KC - I was out to dinner last night with my handsome hubs (who surprised me with making reservations AND hiring a babysitter WITHOUT ANY supervision or prodding). I'm still shocked. Anyway, on the way there I saw I had an email on my blackberry and it was your comment. I opened it up and laughed out loud at the visual of Donatella walking into a window. Hilarious!

Muskrat - Collectively the people in the pictures probably have spent a million dollars. They would have been better off investing in Enron.

Jinksy - Hey...I like the way you think, Brotha!!! I have a girlfriend who calls it my Eleventh Annual Twenty-Ninth Birthday! I like that, too.

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes!
Bex said…
Jarrard - Hey! You snuck in there.... I think that they MUST be like that. But they aren't. They wake up and are like, "Looking pretty foxy there, Lady...." Ugh. Where the hell are their families?! Someone to say, "Holy shit, you look like you are turning into a Japanese Anime Bad Guy. STOP having surgeries!!!"

Thanks for coming by!
Sensei said…
Happy Birthday Bex.

I hope you have a great day filled with everything but lip explosions and over-inflated boobs. May your nose not get chopped up.

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