Just don't bite my ass and we'll be cool.

I hate bugs. A lot. Big, small, doesn't matter. I'm highly suspicious of them all, up to and including the illustrious lady bug. So you would think that the fact that there is a spider in my bathroom would be cause for distress.

Surprisingly I haven't killed it or called in the heavy artillery (aka Mike, the bug guy, with his Can Of Death). I just sit there and watch this little guy build his teeny tiny web. And then I wait with him, joining in the pondering of where the hell the other bugs are. He doesn't know that I've employed a man to spray toxic fumes into every nook and cranny of this house. So he picked a little corner close to the ground, maybe thinking he'd rack up some ants or something. But he got bupkis.

He walks around, inspecting his web with care. And every now and again he'll sprint up to the corner and stay really still. Maybe he's crazy and keeps thinking that he hears bug footsteps or something. It has me wondering how long he can go without any customers. Will he sit there until he starves to death, resulting in a spider skeleton right in time for Halloween or will he finally clue in that he picked a ridiculous spot for a web and move on to greener pastures? Or perhaps he'll just wait until I am no longer entertained by him at which point a trip down the toilet bowl would become imminent. It is a pretty tough call.

When I was a little kid in South Florida I saw a fat, scary looking spider crawling around on the floor. I ran to get my flip flops on and then enthusiastically jumped on it with my full body weight. Suddenly, and without any warning whatsoever, I might add, hundreds of tiny spiders came sprinting out from under my shoe and ran up my leg. If I could have found a knife in all the panic that ensued I'm certain that I would have cut my own leg off.

But I think that I'm going to let this little guy stay for a while, even after taking into account his close proximity to the toilet seat. There is something very unimposing about him. Like he's tipped his hat and stated in a sharp, British accent, "Pardon me, Miss. But if it wouldn't be too much of a bother I'll just skulk around here for a bit...I'll be no bother - none at all. Unless you might have a spot o tea to spare. That would be lovely."

My husband is going to think that I have some kind of intestinal malady, as much time as I've spent in there spying on my spider. I'm not sure which he would consider the less desirable activity. So let's keep it on the DL, ok??

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Merrie said…
I'm totally looking forward to hearing how this turns out.

Now I must go drink heavily to get rid of the image of mini spiders crawling up your legs. My. Worst. Nightmare.

*ick* *cak*
kc said…
OMG, I am almost hyperventilating about the baby spiders. Seriously, I have a HUGE phobia about them. So much so that even though I love Chamber of Secrets & Return of the King, the giant spider thing makes me cover my eyes.

But oddly, the large garden spiders that build the big webs, I find fascinating and beautiful. Maybe because they're so big because they're easy to keep track of. Anyway, gross, gross, frightening story.
Chat Blanc said…
oh gawt, I hope I don't have nightmares about spiders tonight!! ewww! ;)
Bex said…
Merrie - So far, so good.

As for what happened when I was a kid, it was horrifying. Those little guys are sprinters, I tell ya!

KC - When I was looking for a web picture to put with my post I ran into a picture of camel spiders. They are about the size of our pet dog. There was a soldier there who was bitten by one and had a hole the size of a baseball in his arm. Apparently, when they bite, you get a big, swollen lump that eventually RUPTURES. Eck...the hair on the back of my neck is standing straight up.

Sandy - Every time my dad has a weird bump or boo boo (sadly this happens more times then you might think) he always says, "I'll bet it's a spider bite."

This doesn't help my paranoia.
Jormengrund said…
If you think about it Bex, you should relocate him to somewhere you know bugs might occupy.

After all, spiders are known to eat bugs, and if you've got a serious phobia about them, keeping spiders around the house tends to cut down on the fly and crawly-insect population!
Qelqoth said…
Poor, poor girl. Don't worry though. I can help you get over your fear. The solution is twelve sheets of blotter acid and a night in with a copy of "Arachnaphobia". Now if that doesn't help break the cycle of fear, then nothing will.

As for me, I have no fear. I'm perfect.
Qelqoth said…
Well I say "perfect" but I accidentally gave you the wrong film. The one you want to watch is "Arachnophobia" and not "Arachnaphobia". The latter has terrible special effects anyway.

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