The Idiot's Guide To Colonoscopies

My cyber friend, LeighOnline, is going through an ORDEAL this week. She's cutting back on the margarita's, which I think we can all agree is cause for angst in and of itself. Also? Her husband is going in for a colonoscopy this week.

Some of you may know that I am something of an expert on what I like to call "Ass Trouble". And no, I don't want to talk about it. But I do want to share this post to give her (and you) an idea of what her hubs is in store for this week:

A couple of months ago I went to my twentieth high school reunion. I hadn't seen most of these people since the day I accepted my diploma. One exception was a guy named...well, let's call him "Joe" in case he doesn't want to be discussed on a public blog. Anyway, I bumped into "Joe" several years ago on Bourbon Street in New Orleans around 11:45PM on New Years Eve. I don't know about him but we had been drinking since that morning so I didn't remember much about the encounter.

When I saw him at the reunion I brought up the New Orleans thing and we laughed about it. We started making small talk and he said that he was, in fact, a medical doctor. I thought that was pretty cool. After all, this is someone with whom I'd sit at parties and bang heads with while listening to heavy metal bands. And look how nicely he turned out! I asked him what kind of medicine he practiced and he said, "uh, internal." Well, I'm no doctor (nor did I sleep in a Holiday Inn Express last night) but that seemed...a bit vague. A bit like bullshit. So I asked him to pinpoint it and it turns out that he's a proctologist. For those of you who've never had medical issues requiring this particular expertise, this is someone who checks out your lower intestines. He will, for a fee, drug you and then put a 6 foot long tube with a camera on the end of it into your arse.

I've started thinking about this and I have to say, I'm curious. I wonder at what point he had thought, "Screw cardiology! I think I'd like to give colonoscopies for a living."

What's that you say? You've never had a colonoscopy? Really??? Well let me enlighten you: The first thing that happens is a doctor examines you Down There. And then he delivers The News - "I'd like to get a better look at this." Leaving you to think, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!" He pats you reassuringly on the shoulder, gives you a prescription to fill and sets an appointment.

So you go to the drugstore to get your prescription. The store clerks give each other Knowing Looks as they try to find a shopping bag big enough to fit the gallon jug into. You can feel beads of sweat appearing on your brow. But hey, you're tough, right? You can do this.

You take your gallon jug home and read the instructions. In the instructions it informs you that this stuff tastes significantly better if it is cold and advises you to put it in the fridge for a couple hours. That's nice, isn't it? Really thoughtful. So you chill it, take a bath and try not to think about tomorrow morning.

It's time to drink the gallon of fluid. You get it out of the fridge and read the label again. "Lemonade Favored". I always did enjoy a nice glass of lemonade...

You take a tentative sip and immediately suspect that those bitches at the drugstore have poisoned you. This shit tastes like battery acid. And you have to drink a shot of it every 10 minutes for HOURS. It makes you wonder what it would have tasted like had it not been chilled. About 45 minutes into this process you hear something boiling. You look around, alarmed by the sounds intensity. Suddenly your alarm grows as you realize that the sound you hear is emanating from your STOMACH. About this time you double over in pain from the stomach cramps. You sprint to the toilet (hopefully) just in time to enjoy the explosive diarrhea.

There will be no sex tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I don't care WHO you are.

The next morning you wake up and look around for diaper cream to put on your ass as it is chafed from expelling water all night. You aren't allowed to eat anything but this really isn't a are so grossed out from your experiences you think that you may never eat again.

By now you just want to get this thing over with. So you submit to the ridiculous gown they make you wear. You lie on the hospital bed, all prim and proper and wait DESPERATELY for the narcotics to kick in. The door to your room opens and a few professionals walk in. They are at work and happy, discussing the reality TV show they enjoyed the night before as you were shooting foam out of your butt. They smile at you, ask how "it" is going. Some one puts his hand on your shoulder and invites you to roll on your side and grab your knees.

They tell you this won't hurt and start the procedure. The only problem is nobody told you that this procedure blows gas up "there". They do this to inflate the intestines so they can look around. And nobody told you that this feels EXACTLY like you are 2 seconds away from MAJOR - I'm gonna knock the back of the toilet off - styled diarrhea.

Now don't forget, there is a crowd behind you. And they are all looking in the general direction of your ass. So you start out with a polite warning, " might want to...umm...yeah, I think I need to go to the restroom...uh-huh...I'll just be a sec...ummmm....please, you guys....I'll be quick...uhmm, you guys????....Doctor! No, it doesn't hurt, but I...really...ummm....I would like to go to the bathroom...nope...this can't wait... could I just, uh...mmm... Uh Oh. Look out! She's gonna blow! Clear out of there! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....SAVE YOURSELVES!! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!"

And right here, in the middle of your personal lifetime low point, you do the unthinkable. You fall asleep. When you wake up you are all tucked in the hospital bed like nothing ever happened. There is no medical personnel carnage on the floor. You haven't sprayed shit all over the wall. Hmmmm. Was it all a dream? The doctor comes in and smiles at you. I'm thinking that keeping a straight face at this point MUST be the most difficult part of his job. He tells you that it was a false alarm and that there is nothing wrong with your intestinal track. You may get dressed and go home. Woohoo! You are a little woozy from the drugs so you don't even realize that you are walking funny, kind of like a drunk cowboy. But at least you don't have that tube up your ass anymore.

Back to my friend Joe, I wonder at what point he decided that this is how he wanted to spend the rest of his life. Perhaps he somehow discovered that he was really good at keeping a straight face after someone makes a total idiot out of herself. I guess I'll have to wait for my 25th reunion to find out.

So good luck, husband of Leigh. Here is hoping that you are a perfect asshole.

PS As you might have guessed by this blog, a colonoscopy is not one of my favorite pastimes. BUT guess what, people. It's a hell of a lot better then colon cancer. So if you need one GET one. There. I've met my unsolicited advice quota for the day. Wait. No I haven't. I also strongly recommend that you go visit humor-blogs. There are several perfect assholes over there....


leigh said…
omg. my poor husband. i'm so not looking forward to this, and i'm not even the one getting it.

p.s. it's day two of my freaking diet and I'M STARVING!!!!
Chat Blanc said…
damn girl, that is brutual! glad you survived without spraying shit and all is well health-wise.

Get this, my dad had to have a colonoscopy and he's all anti-medication taking so he was AWAKE the entire time. What the hell kind of insanity is that?? He CLAIMS it wasn't unbearable. Yeah, I'm not buying that. I'll be taking the freaking drugs!!
Meg said…
And the best part, if you can't fall asleep as I wasn't able to, you can watch the whole thing on the TV monitor!!
Bex said…
Leigh - Yep. It sucks. I have a friend who recently had one and they drugged her well enough that she has no memory of the procedure at all. If I were you I'd ask for this kind of service.

I'm on a diet, too. Day one for me. They say it builds character. But character I've got. Character and ass. I need less ass. Meh.

Chat Blanc - Oy. Your dad sounds like a toughie. I'm more of a "I'd like the massive, legal-limit dose of narcotics, please" kind of gal.

Meg - Or make flirty eyes at the burly male nurse. I have a girlfriend who did this. I'm afraid that, had I been the burly male nurse, I would have run from the room screaming. Because THAT is freaky.
joeybear said…
Since only pills were involoved, everything seemed cool until you got to the part about no sex. I don't know how Leigh can go one night without margaritas and or/sex?
I have just taken the last of 32 pills. 20 in one hour and 12 over the last half hour. It hasn't been that bad. However, I think I enjoy pooping as much as sex.

The wierdest thing, is that your blog friend has been on the toilet more than the hubs.

Joey Bear
muskrat said…
oh my. i want nothing to do with that. i think "i do things..." (JD) wrote about this not long ago, too.
Bex said…
Joey Bear - I had heard that they had another way or "cleansing" via the pills verses the gallon of ass that I had to drink. Lucky break for you, Buddy, cuz it was AWFUL. I will wait with bated breath to find out if, 1) you're a perfect asshole and, 2) whether you and your wife had sex last night.

My money is yes on one, no on two, based on your testimony that she had the sympathy shits. She must really, really love you!

Muskrat - Come on. You're a warrior, for crying out loud! Or do you only scoff at danger when it doesn't have a tube up your ass?

I'll look up JD's post and compare notes. Thanks for letting me know!
Jormengrund said…
You know, nothing says "I'm a badass" like being able to take a colonoscopy and NOT flinch!

I mean, who in their right mind really likes these things??

You get something shoved up to HERE inside of you, where normally things are being pushed OUT, and you're supposed to be able to relax?

Not. On. Your. Life.

I was put out completely, and I was happily oblivious through the entire thing.

I was also glad to know that I didn't shit myself or anyone else while it was being done, so I also had some self-respect back when I left!

I feel for the poor guy, and hope things turn out fine!

I'm out.

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