A Housewife's Dirty Confession...



I have Vaseline underneath my right index finger nail.
No amount of soap and water seems to vanquish it. Sshhhhh. Don't tell anyone, K? Because that could lead to awkward questions. But I'll tell you what - today, just for shits and giggles, let's skip the questions completely and just go to the answers. And, GO.
Projectile vomiting.

One massive pile in the doctor's waiting room. Once in the car. Twice at home.

Yes, that IS a lot of puke for a two year old.

Anal suppositories. TWICE.

No I am not honoring my pledge to lay off of the cosmo's for a while and fuck you for bringing that up after the day I've had.
Did this make you smile?

Or were you just envious that you didn't get to spend the morning pinning down a pissed off and puking two year old long enough to further enrage him by shoving a suppository up his ass? (thought so)

Either way, feel free to click my HB smiley below. And, as always, if you're shopping around for funny blogs this is the place.


Comments

Wow...um...nothing but sympathy! Make that a bottomless Cosmo!
Bex said…
FADKOG - Thanks. I'm going to try to hold out till the hubs gets home...nothing says "maybe I married the wrong woman" like coming home to find your kids unsupervised while your wife is passed out under the washing machine.
Darryl said…
There are few things in life that gain my empathy more than needing to shove a suppository up the ass of anyone who is projectile vomiting.

Truly...god bless you!
Diesel said…
Ok, I'm giving you a smiley, but yes it's mostly out of sympathy and relief.
muskrat said…
that is truly awful. i'm glad i was nowhere near. our 2-year old was at a doctor's office today, too, but i'm assuming it was a different doctor.
Chat Blanc said…
oh man, that definitely deserves sympathy. oy!
Bex said…
Darryl - Thanks. The scary thing is that I'm now somewhat skilled at it. Maybe I should throw THAT on the old resume.

"Operations Manager Who Is Skilled At The Art Of Inserting Suppositories Looking For High Paid, Low-Expectation Job"

Diesel - I'll take your sympathy. But relief? Was it relief that I wasn't really up to Housewife Shenanigans or was it because when the going gets tough and somebody needs a pellet up his butt, I know how to roll up my sleeves and get 'er done???

Muskrat - Hope your little guy is ok. I'd imagine we go to different doctors. Aren't you ITP? I'm OTP... (yeah, you know ME...)

Sandy - Thanks. But you know, now I feel kind of bad. Sorta cheesey. Cuz that was yesterday and he's feeling better today. So now I have "pity points" up on the board. Oh well. I've given a few out in my day, too.
catherinette said…
You are totally living the dream...
leigh said…
eek! glad mine are a little older and don't barf much anymore.

when did you give up cosmos? i'm now on day 9 of the margarita moratorium. it's NOT getting easier, and my pants are STILL tight (mother f*cker!).
Jormengrund said…
Nothing tells a kid "I love you" more than when you're trying to puke out your guts, and mom's trying to stick her finger in your ass...

The joys of being a parent!

Now, just where did hubby put the diaper and binky?
Bex said…
Catherinette - To live it is to love it, baby!

Leigh - Yeah. My older two don't really do this anymore. And by "this" I mean not know that they are going to puke until their shoes are filled. It's always a complete and utter shock to the little guys.
Kirsten said…
I feel for you! Take this smiley and call me in the morning!
Sarah♥ said…
Better it be a two year old than a 88 yr old who is complaining that he cant shit and is ASKING for a suppository.

It could be worse Bex. I promise.

Call me over, Ill do it for you.

The key is to use a tampon aplicator... i swear.
Chris Wood said…
Dammit your life is stylish!
LiteralDan said…
They usually have alternatives to suppositories for kids that little, but hey, then you'd miss out on all the fun!

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