The birth of the IPIQ

I was just watching the hurricane coverage and, somehow, I began to wonder about why some people do the stupid things that they do. And then, after the stupid act, they find themselves in need of rescue personnel so they call 911.

I think that there should be an exit-interview with these "victims". Or at least some kind of post incident questionnaire. We'll call it the IPIQ - the Idiot's Post-Incident Questionnaire! Here are a couple of examples:

Questionnaire for the U-Boat driver:



There was a sign posted back there that screamed "WARNING! THIS STREET IS FLOODED AND IF YOU DRIVE INTO IT YOU AND YOUR CAR WILL FLOAT AWAY IN A RAGING TORRENT!!" Why did you drive onto the shoulder of the road (to pass the sign - without scratching your car), tentatively stick the nose of your car into the water before you gunned it, thereby springing your car, yourself and your children into a dangerous raging river where you were swept along until crashing into a bridge? (please check all that apply)

_ I thought that my car was "different" and that the "regular" rules for "regular" cars do not apply.
_ I did not read the sign because I no speaka da english.
_ I wanted to be seen on CNN with my fat ass trying to climb out of the front window so that I could sit on the hood of my car with a dazed expression to figure out my next brilliant move. I didn't know that my pants would get so soggy that they would then slip around my knees thereby showing the whole world what they are NOT missing out on.
_ My car is an "all wheel drive" so I totally thought I could make it. How was I supposed to know that, at a certain depth of water, my air-filled tires would float the whole fucking car up?!
_ I am incredibly stupid. In fact, the very idea that I've even been able to procreate is an insult to the memory of Charles Darwin.


Questionnaire for the Sexual Adventurer:



Why did you shove gerbil food up your butt to entice a gerbil to climb in there where it became lodged, then died a horrific death, and when you couldn't get it out you had to be taken to the hospital where a surgeon was called in off of the golf course to remove it? (please check all that apply)

_ OH, I didn't put it there, because that would be totally disgusting! No, I must have just sat an on a gerbil with food on the tip of its tongue...yaaahhh, that's the ticket!
_ Well, I got to the point where regular sex became kind of...predictable so I thought that we'd do this to spice things up a bit. How was I supposed to know that my wife wouldn't be that "into" it?
_ It was either the gerbil or the family dog. I just thought this would be more humane. I'm a humanitarian, goddamnit!
_ I was looking for an easy way to meet a surgeon.

So there you have it, folks. I'll expect to see an IPIQ passed out the next time I see firemen rescuing some guy who put his tongue on a frozen flag pole in a failed effort to debunk the Christmas Story movie "myth".

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Comments

Excellent Bex!

Say, could you generate an IPIQ form specifically for drivers who run into other drivers and/or objects?

I'd love to hand them out after having to sit in traffic for 20 minutes because of their idiocy.
Meg said…
I love the way you always work in those creationists. ;)
Chat Blanc said…
I wish there was a way to pre-screen these people out of existence. :)
kc said…
I know it's drastic, but I have long been a proponent of "kill the stupid before they procreate." At first, I thought - kill them at birth. But it's sort of hard to tell how stupid people are when they're born. You CAN, however, tell how stupid they are by the time they reach sexual maturity. So sterilize them - make life better for everyone else! I'm just sayin', it proves your point.
Bex said…
Doug - Good one! I'm guessing this one would be the most commonly checked comment:

"That crazy bitch came outta NOWHERE! I was just minding my OWN business, driving along at 80 MPH, talking on the cell phone to my shrink while drinking a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette and putting the finishing coat of mascara on my left eye when SUDDENLY - BAM! Like I said, she came outta NOWHERE!"

Meg - Ooops! Am I that transparent?? Oh well...! ;)

Chat Blanc - You would think that they would (slowly) do it to themselves. Have you ever seen the Darwin Report? Probably, but just in case, it lists the people who have killed themselves off in the stupidest ways, thereby making it impossible for them to fit into the "Survival of the Fittest" mold. We have more than our share of "winners" here in the deep south. Many a fine man has died while screeching these final words, "Hey, Shane, watch THIS!!"

KC - That does sound dramatic. Effective, but dramatic.
Shieldmaiden96 said…
Oh, we have stories. Its part of the reason why I have an ambulance blog. Some of the saddest BS you will ever hear, ever, comes from a drunk person strapped to a backboard.
Skip said…
You folks are all intelligencists. (Sort of like racists, only this is prejudice toward stupid people.)
If Rickey wants to drive pell mell into a raging torrent of water than goddamnit that's what Rickey's going to do. Rickey wears inflatable arm wing when he drives.
Chris Wood said…
Come on now! EVERYBODY knows cars are waterproof!
Jormengrund said…
I'd just like to know how the heck she knew that the bridge was going to stop her??

I mean, I'm one for trying out new and interesting stunts, but heck, if I'd have known there was going to be a bridge to stop the ride, I wouldn't have even bothered!!

Anyway, next time let's see if we can come up with some form of retro-active birth control so that we can cut down on the amount of dumbasses like this that are out there in the world, shall we??
Bex said…
Shieldmaiden - I can only imagine. I'm sure it is pathetic. You know what's weird?? Last night I had a dream that I was leaving somewhere. I was intending to drive but had not yet entered a car. A police man said I looked a little "boozy" so gave me a sobriety check which I failed. Somehow this was happening in a hotel room. (Cue the 70's porn music.) So he and decided that the prudent thing to do would for us to both take a nap in the bed together. Naturally. Because that's what everybody does when they've failed a field sobriety test.

When we woke up it turned into (predictably) a sex dream. BUT I woke up before it got good. Damnit. Anyway. Just wanted to share that.

Skip - Guilty!

Rickey - Bex says that Rickey is Da Man!!

Chris - They are waterproof AND float - so what's the problem, right??

Jormengrund - She probably got pissed off at the bridge, "Stupid bridge banged up my bumper! Can't a girl go on a pleasure cruise without being stopped by a stupid bridge?!"

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