Skip to main content

An Ode to My Baby Daddy


It's Father's Day. The kids are all a-twinkle with excitement. There is definitely magic in the air. Now you may be wondering what the big deal is. After all, I did all of the heavy lifting. Pregnant for 27 months, nursed for 17 months, and 8.5 years of love, nurturing and not committing a horrific act of homicidal, maternal rage (harder than it sounds).

All he had to do was do the hippity dippity with me and - BAM! Baby on the way. And for this "service" I'm supposed to get him a gift or a card every year?! Well, yeah. He totally deserves it. There is a saying that "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." He knows - in an instant - what I need and gets it for me. 9 times out of 10 it's a Cosmo.

But WAIT! There's more! He changes poopie diapers! He knows how to answer this question truthfully without making me want to cleave him: "Do these pants make my fat ass look fat?"And cleaving him has nothing to do with my ample cleavage, for the record.

He makes me feel safe and warm and loves and protects our kids. He also doesn't get pissed off when I serve the same dinner 4 nights in a row or if something mysterious is growing in our fridge. He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts and takes out the trash almost every week before the garbage man gets here. He gets up every morning and makes the coffee.

And in return for all of this effort all he asks of me is that one day a year he gets to sleep in late and eat a chocolate croissant for breakfast. Then he'll play tennis and hang out by the swimming pool sipping bloody mary's. And tonight I'll serve him a t-bone steak as big as his head and he'll be the happiest man on the planet.

Here's to you, Big Man! Thanks for the kids and the cosmos! Me love you LONG time.


feed: humor-blogs.com

Comments

Alice said…
Lord, you're my twin. Babycakes and I do that 'Me love you long time' thing ALL the time.

Have a great day with your own Babycakes!
Sue Wilkey said…
That's cute - I'm guessing he also wanted to do the Hippidy Dippidy on Father's Day.
United Studies said…
You two sound so much like me and my husband. We may not be perfect people, but we are perfect for each other.

Popular posts from this blog

The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???! So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later... As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress... So I get in the l...

Light a match!

You know, people are getting so touchy these days. I just read this news story about a THIRTEEN year old kid who got arrested. When I saw the headline I thought, "Man, this country is going to hell in a hand basket. What did this criminal mastermind DO, anyway?? Did he steal a car? Get his moms attention by throwing a cleaver at her head? Sexually assault his little sibling??" Noooo.... No, this kid farted in school. And then got arrested. Apparently I went to school with a bunch of felons and didn't even know it. Besides, have you seen what they feed these kids in school lunchrooms?? And "The Man" is going to blame intestinal distress on HIM??! Let's file this under "Give Me A Fucking Break, Please." The teacher said that he was purposefully farting and therefore disrupting the class. Plus? This little fucker turned off a few computers that his friends were working on. I think it would be far more incredible if you could find me a 13 year old who...

My Marvelous Mammaries

At the risk of increasing my "Weird-O" and "Pervy" visitors ( - love you guys), I was thinking about writing about breastfeeding today. Because nobody ever tells you the Real Deal about this stuff. And that's just wrong. So. When I was pregnant with my first kid I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'll probably breastfeed her. I mean, I have the hooters and everything, so why not??" Truth be told, I thought that it would be a very natural and beautiful thing that she and I would both embrace with maternal-bondish delight. So imagine my surprise when it HURT like a MOTHER FUCKER. Every time she would latch on my toes would curl in pain. The lactation consultants were very encouraging in a cheerleader kind of way, "Yes!! That's WONDERFUL! Look at that latch - you're a genius!!!" But I didn't feel like a genius. I felt like a moron who just couldn't get the idea without going to some intensive courses on the matter. And my kid seemed...