I was spacing out this morning on my way home from the gym and the notion of candy cigarettes entered my mind. I have no idea why but now it's here and won't go away. So I figured I'd jot a few thoughts down about it.
I wonder who the marketing mega-star was who thought these up. He'd have been puffing away at his own unfiltered smoke trying to come up with the Next Great Thing. Suddenly he would look at the picture on his desk of his happy, healthy children. Slowly his gaze would shift down to his own smoldering goodness. His face would light up and he'd get this far-away, slightly creepy look in his eyes. "Mwuh-ah-ha-ha! Eureka!"
I've actually "smoked" these when I was a kid. The first time I smoked a candy cigarette was eerily similar to the first time I smoke an actual cigarette.
The candy version is bubble gum and it's encased in paper that has been flooded with powdered sugar. The first time I tried it I inhaled. The effect of this was similar to inhaling just as you are getting ready to take a bite of a powdered donut. It coats your mouth and throat and you begin coughing and choking. And it's not a gentle coughing fit, either. It's more of a purple faced, gasping for any air kind of deal. When it's over you put the donut that almost killed you down and think, 'Jesus. I almost died eating a fucking donut. Perhaps this is the 'rock bottom' I've been searching for and now I can finally go join Weight Watchers."
I think this image is especially poignant:
"Look, Kids! Santa says smoke 'em if you got 'em!"
Perhaps we should have a kids drink called "Bourbon for Babies". And maybe some pop rocks that are called "Meth Madness for Middle Schoolers". For their marketing campaign they could use images of "cool kids" who have teeth that have rotted away. "It's so good your teeth fall out!" I think this might be the next great thing. I have to scurry off to my patent attorney now.
Here is my humor-blogs feed. Click it for something really funny.
I wonder who the marketing mega-star was who thought these up. He'd have been puffing away at his own unfiltered smoke trying to come up with the Next Great Thing. Suddenly he would look at the picture on his desk of his happy, healthy children. Slowly his gaze would shift down to his own smoldering goodness. His face would light up and he'd get this far-away, slightly creepy look in his eyes. "Mwuh-ah-ha-ha! Eureka!"
I've actually "smoked" these when I was a kid. The first time I smoked a candy cigarette was eerily similar to the first time I smoke an actual cigarette.
The candy version is bubble gum and it's encased in paper that has been flooded with powdered sugar. The first time I tried it I inhaled. The effect of this was similar to inhaling just as you are getting ready to take a bite of a powdered donut. It coats your mouth and throat and you begin coughing and choking. And it's not a gentle coughing fit, either. It's more of a purple faced, gasping for any air kind of deal. When it's over you put the donut that almost killed you down and think, 'Jesus. I almost died eating a fucking donut. Perhaps this is the 'rock bottom' I've been searching for and now I can finally go join Weight Watchers."
I think this image is especially poignant:
"Look, Kids! Santa says smoke 'em if you got 'em!"
Perhaps we should have a kids drink called "Bourbon for Babies". And maybe some pop rocks that are called "Meth Madness for Middle Schoolers". For their marketing campaign they could use images of "cool kids" who have teeth that have rotted away. "It's so good your teeth fall out!" I think this might be the next great thing. I have to scurry off to my patent attorney now.
Here is my humor-blogs feed. Click it for something really funny.
Comments
Shit. I really need to join Weight Watchers now.
I think true rock bottom with the donut has to involve not only powdered sugar near-asphyxiation but a near-collision because you are eating/inhaling it WHILE DRIVING. Ah yessss. Good times.
...a man can dream...