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Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

I was spacing out this morning on my way home from the gym and the notion of candy cigarettes entered my mind. I have no idea why but now it's here and won't go away. So I figured I'd jot a few thoughts down about it.



I wonder who the marketing mega-star was who thought these up. He'd have been puffing away at his own unfiltered smoke trying to come up with the Next Great Thing. Suddenly he would look at the picture on his desk of his happy, healthy children. Slowly his gaze would shift down to his own smoldering goodness. His face would light up and he'd get this far-away, slightly creepy look in his eyes. "Mwuh-ah-ha-ha! Eureka!"

I've actually "smoked" these when I was a kid. The first time I smoked a candy cigarette was eerily similar to the first time I smoke an actual cigarette.

The candy version is bubble gum and it's encased in paper that has been flooded with powdered sugar. The first time I tried it I inhaled. The effect of this was similar to inhaling just as you are getting ready to take a bite of a powdered donut. It coats your mouth and throat and you begin coughing and choking. And it's not a gentle coughing fit, either. It's more of a purple faced, gasping for any air kind of deal. When it's over you put the donut that almost killed you down and think, 'Jesus. I almost died eating a fucking donut. Perhaps this is the 'rock bottom' I've been searching for and now I can finally go join Weight Watchers."

I think this image is especially poignant:



"Look, Kids! Santa says smoke 'em if you got 'em!"

Perhaps we should have a kids drink called "Bourbon for Babies". And maybe some pop rocks that are called "Meth Madness for Middle Schoolers". For their marketing campaign they could use images of "cool kids" who have teeth that have rotted away. "It's so good your teeth fall out!" I think this might be the next great thing. I have to scurry off to my patent attorney now.

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Comments

Alice said…
Ah yes..rock bottom eating a powdered doughnut. I seem to hit rock bottom a lot - I 'get serious' for about 12 straight hours and then work through the rationalization in my brain that that lonely Hershey bar sitting in the 7-11 won't hurt.

Shit. I really need to join Weight Watchers now.
12:13 PM
Bex said…
I'm actually a 'rock bottom eating a plate of nachos' kind of gal. I promise myself I'll just have one. Or a couple. Just a few.... The next thing I know the nachos are gone and people in the restaurant are looking at me funny. I'm pretty awesome....
12:18 PM
Shieldmaiden96 said…
As I recall there were two kinds of candy cigarettes; the gum ones you mentioned, and the chalky white skinny ones with the pink dye on the tip that tasted something like extruded Necco wafers. We talked about these one night and I mentioned they must not make them anymore. How wrong I was; there are TWO stores in my immediate area that have both kinds plus 'Big League Chew'.

I think true rock bottom with the donut has to involve not only powdered sugar near-asphyxiation but a near-collision because you are eating/inhaling it WHILE DRIVING. Ah yessss. Good times.
12:52 PM
Bex said…
Shield Maiden - Girl, you know how to roll! I think that someone who is driving a car, eating a powdered donut and who has ingested unspecified quantities of powdered sugar and is now violently choking would look pretty funny. Unless, of course, you were in her path.
1:24 PM
Shieldmaiden96 said…
You are talking to the girl who has eaten tacos, beef on a stick, and General Tso's chicken while driving. Donut transgressions are pretty far down the list.
2:21 PM
Brad said…
How long before we have Oxycontin chiclets?

...a man can dream...
2:27 PM
Anonymous said…
The ones I had weren't gum, they were candy, but filled with that powdered sugar stuff. We weren't allowed to have them but the girl next door was so she shared them with us.
4:39 PM
United Studies said…
Oh I loved the candy cigarettes!! And yes, I "smoked" them, too.
7:58 AM
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