Nice Headlights!

I have some very exciting news. The Blog of Bex has received - for the very first time - a topic request for a new blog entry!

What is the topic request, you might ask? It was to be about headlights. I'll be honest...I don't know much about them. In fact, I hate it when I have a burnt out bulb in the car. Changing a bulb at home is easy. It's changing them in the car that is the challenge. Honestly, the problem is that I can't see where they go! The light itself doesn't unscrew, therefore it's an impossible task for me. Am I totally retarded on this? (Wait...don't answer that.)

As far as the "other" headlights go, all I know is that when it happens to me I feel VERY self conscious. I don't know if it's better to ignore the fact that my nipples are ready to rip through my t-shirt or to cross my arms a little bit high to block the spectacle from others.

So there you go, Diesel. It wasn't my best effort (or even my breast answer - ba dum CHAH) but I gave it a shot.

So here is what I wanted to talk about today:

A few weeks ago my 2 year old sons swimming lesson was canceled at the YMCA. The instructor called me at home (thoughtful, eh?) to alert me so that I didn't have to do the frantic "hurry-up-get-his-bottle, where-is-his-suit, what-about-a-change-of-clothes, hurry-the-hell-up-we-are-going-to-be-late" dance first thing in the morning.

I was kind of glad as it's a major ordeal to get ME anywhere on time, never mind when I'm rolling with him. So I got kind of chatty with the instructor and asked why we weren't having class. She said that the pool was closed because they had to "Super Shock" it. She further explained that this is required by law if there is fecal matter in the pool. I said that someone's kid must have had a leaky diaper to which she replied, "Ummm...this happened at 5:30 in the morning. There weren't any kids in the pool."

There was an awkward pause in the conversation as we each contemplated the events that must have lead up to and then followed an adult taking a crap in the pool at the Y. I imagine an older person swimming his or her laps thinking, "Whew...I shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee with my bran muffin! I've gotta go pretty bad...but...I think I can make it for another lap or two...OH MY HOLY HELL!!! I just shit in the pool! What to do...WHAT TO DO???!"

The practiced liar wouldn't make any sudden splashes so as not to attract attention to himself. He'd just mosey on over to the steps swimming a graceful sidestroke whilst simultaneously shaking his ass so the remaining shit would fall out of his pants before he climbed the steps and exited the pool. The rookie liar would probably panic and begin treading water at a frantic pace while looking around to see who might be looking at them. Then they would do a scurrying dog paddle to the closest exit and never again return to the YMCA. Or did they do what some do when they fart - deny, deny, deny. This is the guy who would stay in the pool and pretend that he didn't notice a shit floating around. When the lifeguard instructed him to leave he would become irate and scream at all of the other swimmers, "Jesus Christ! Which one of you fuckers SHIT in the pool?! What kind of animals are you, anyway??!"

Whichever outcome I wonder what happened in the locker room. Did they shower off, throw their bathing suit away and then sneak away? I guess that's the only real option. It's not like they'd say, "Yeah...SO?? I shit in the sue me. I just thought I had to fart...."

Regardless, I didn't have to get into my bathing suit (which might have incited my headlights) and drag my two year old around in the pool. And that, my friends, was a good thing.

Headlights and bran muffins are served with every purchase at


Alice said…
Oh lord, that post made me laugh! I think I'd wait a good week or so before heading back to that pool -even with the Super Shock.
Cara said…
Ok, so this might just be me, but don't you think the pool was "Super-shocked" when it got shat in? I mean, how much more shocking can you get than that? Crazy!
damon said…
Let me check this.
A rather informative post on the ups and downs of 'camel toe'.
Followed by a tittilating intro into 'headlights'.
Topped off with a mysterious 'floater'.

This is now my favorite blog.
leigh said…
damn bex. if those are your headlights i'm rather envious.
Alice said…
Me again - do you have a contact e-mail around your site somewhere so I can send you a subversive satire site you might like without offending anyone else?
Sarah Brooks said…
LOVED the headlights. I wish my boobs were big enough to have that problem. I think my nipple when "pokey" is bigger than my actual boob.
Bex said…
Alice - I've already been back in with the little guy. But I am uber-vigilant, looking for errant poops while I'm supposed to be helping my kid not drown. Multi-tasking has never been my thing.

Cara - You're right! In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, it must have been terribly shocking to all involved: The shitter was probably (hopefully) shocked that he shit in the pool. The lifeguard probably didn't believe his eyes at first ("Uh-oh. Someone left a snickers bar in the pool! Hey....wait a minute...."). And finally everyone who was minding their own business, swimming around at 5:30 in the morning probably didn't believe their ears when the lifeguards insisted on clearing the pool and put on their haz-mat suits to clean the mess.

Damon - Thanks! We try to keep everything below the belt here at the blog of bex. The headlights one snuck in...

Leigh - Well, you know I don't like to brag. But, yeah, I got it goin' on.

Alice - Sure! It's Although I imagine anyone who has been spending time around here isn't easily offended. Or, maybe they enjoy being offended. I will wait with bated breath to see what it is....

Sarah - It is a nice rack, isn't it?

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