The Less Than Gifted

Oh how the times are a-changing. I just waited in line for 20 minutes at Costco for the privilege of paying $87 to fill up my car with gas. I actually, in a weird way, don't mind paying a lot for gas. I think it should cost a lot so that we use less of it. Maybe. Although just a couple of years ago it cost me $25 to fill up. It's a huge difference that definitely makes an impression on our family budget. Jesus. Listen to me talking about the price of gas. The next thing you know I'll be telling you my memories of Grover Cleveland as our President. Anyway, the thing that pissed me off was the lady in front of me.

She was middle aged and was driving a small pickup truck. Yet it appeared that this was her first time - ever - pumping gas. It was all a complete mystery to her. She studied the screen carefully with her wallet in hand. Reading. Every. Word. Why is it that I always get behind these people? Like at the bank. Every time I need cash I seem to get behind someone who is trying to refinance their mortgage via the ATM machine.

In case you've never been to a gas station at Costco here is what you do: The first thing is you stick your Costco membership card into the receptacle. Then you choose how you'll pay for your gas and push the appropriate button. Next you decide what type of gas you want, stick the hose in your tank and depress the thing on the hose that makes the gas come out. When your tank is full you remove the hose, close up your tank, take your receipt and leave. The mentally challenged need not worry as the above directions are very clearly bulleted out for you on the pump in case you can't retain them.

But our friend seemed excruciatingly challenged by this. She pressed her nose against the screen, presumably to better read it, and then stood motionless. Obviously she processes information very slowly. I'm thinking that if it takes you 10 minutes to read and then follow the instructions on a gas pump then operating a car in general just isn't going to be your bag. What does she do on the interstate when there is a directional sign? Pull over and contemplate for 20 minutes that she's been warned that the bridge will freeze faster than the street??

It seriously took her around 15 minutes of dicking around before I saw her take her receipt. Witnessing this accomplishment caused me to commence (prematurely) celebrating in my car which caused her to look up at me with a startled yet dull expression on her face. At which point she let go of her receipt. Fan-fucking-tastic. She very s-l-o-w-l-y looked down at her feet to see if perhaps it had dropped into her shoe. No such luck. With the pace that a retarded sloth could have beaten she looked under the truck to retrieve the little piece of paper that she will never, ever need again.

Maybe there should be separate line for people like this. If we start that I'd also like to see something similar at banks as well as at airport screening lines. I always seem to get behind the family of 12 that have never before left their town, never mind flown anywhere, and they don't know that they are expected to take off their shoes, belts, watches, jewelry, cell phones, and so on. It really is getting pretty ridiculous. They should at least play some slow jazz or something to make people feel more comfortable stripping in front of thousands of strangers. And then, of course, you have the post-coital, frantic and rushed re-dressing that happens after the screening. Nobody looks you in the eyes as they've lost all respect for you as you struggle to find your shoes before you step on something gross.

Boy. I really went all over the place with this post. The price of gas. The bank. Costco gas. Sloth Lady. The Airport Screening Line. Slow Jazz. Final destination? Humor-Blogs! Check it out for some funny stuff!


Memarie Lane said…
When I was still in FL, I saw all sorts of retarded behavior about gas, esp. when a hurricane was nigh. Once a hurricane was coming that wasn't supposed to come anywhere near us, but people were freaking out anyway. I went for my usually weekly fill-up and thought I was in luck b/c the lady in front of me was just finishing filling her tank. But then she took a gas can out and filled that too. And then another. And another. Her truck bed was completely full of them.
Sue said…
$87????? What in God's name are you driving - an 18-wheeler? I drive an Armada and it's $75. I do enjoy the new camraderie with the other gas-getters, bitchin' about the prices. I like it when the world gets a little smaller. :)
Bex said…
Memarie, DUDE. I grew up in South Florida and totally know the 'tards of which you speak. It's like everyone loses their mind for a week or so.

Sue, yeah, I know. It's a big gas guzzler. Of course I was on fumes so it cost more than usual (normally I'm right around 75, too). I don't usually think about the price of gas as it costs what it costs (it's not like I'm gonna go and try to negotiate with the BP guy or something). But when I pulled off this receipt I sat in my car for a second and thought about it. That's a lot of money!

I typically talk to my Grandma on a daily basis. Regular topics are the weather and what my two year old has eaten and/or shit. But these days the cost of gas what we start out about. She can't believe the increase.
Alice said…
I can deal with the price of gas and I agree with the sentiment that hopefully this will urge people to conserve, but Holy Hell - do you really wait in lines like that for gas?!?! My personality would not permit it.
damon said…
There are just waaaay too many inconsiderate asses out there.
I live in the almighty F-L-A, and the old people just don't care.

They should only be allowed out of the nursing home from 10 - 10:30.
That'll speed 'em up!
Jacki said…
Maybe I am rude, but I really hate being behind old people in the grocery store who are paying with cash. One time this old lady was searching her purse for money....she didn't have all her money in her wallet, it was scattered throughout her HUGE purse. I was just about to whip out my credit card to pay for her purchases, too, because the $40 would have been worth not having to stand in line another 5 minutes. But then she found the $20's she was after.

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