Do you have a hotdog or a hamburger in there???

In my professional opinion about 1% of the general public are androgynous. This is a really polite way of saying I don't know if they typically urinate from an upright or seated position. When I encounter someone like this I find myself staring. Are those breasts or simply man-maries? Is that your wedding tackle in your pants or a well placed item in your pocket? Either way, I hope that you're happy to see me....

I saw someone yesterday who could have easily convinced me that s/he was either a man or a woman. I just had no idea. So I found myself staring. I become so engrossed that I think my mouth opened a little bit and just kind of hung there. (Now you know yet another ugly truth about me. When I think hard I become a mouth breather. Tres sexy, non?)
Anyhoo, after a while I realized that s/he saw me staring and was openly staring right back at me. I wonder if s/he knew why I was checking him/her out. Ok. Let's call her/him Pat so that I don't have to keep worrying about the fucking pronouns. So, I wonder if Pat could tell why I kept staring about crotch level. If it was a man he was probably thinking, "Jeez. Take a fucking picture. These soccer moms are so sad...."

If it was a woman she was probably wondering if she had forgotten to zip her fly. Just like when someone is looking at me and they wipe their nose I immediately wipe mine thinking they are trying to tell me that I have a bat in the cave. And then they, of course, wipe their nose again thinking that I was trying to tell them that they need to hit it again. Back and forth, back and forth until one of us summons the courage to ask, "Do I, um, have something on my nose?" And then the other one will say, "No, do I?" And then we'll both laugh. Good times.
Back to Pat. What I'd really like to know is if Pat actually knows if s/he appears androgynous and enjoys the anonymity that must come along with it. People don't know if they should expect you to play football or to knit doilys so you spend your days doing whatever the hell you want to without worrying about gender expectations. Hmmm.

Here is my humor-blogs link. Click it, please? For me, the annoying mouth breather???


Alice said…
I stare. And then my kids ask loudly - "Hey Mom - is that a girl or a boy?" Don't know kids...don't know.
Kadi said…
I don't even have to stare because, like alice, my kids just ask the person for me. I always tried to shut them up before they could speak, but now I'm like "Fuck it. If they aim to confuse, then they'd better be ready for questions!"
Can't they help us out and wear a sign that says either penis or vagina? I'll even accept hot dog/hamburger. Amen Bex, amen!
leigh said…
you could always just ask them the name of their significant other. of course, if they answer "chris" well, then that really didn't help at all.
Bear Naked said…
I used to work with a transvestite/crossdresser. S/he had a great sense of fashion, the makeup was perfect but the size 12
feet were a bit much in 4inch stillettos.
Bex said…
Alice - I have a hand gesture I use for my hubs and kids that means one of two things: "kindly shut the hell up right NOW" or "I know what you want to say but if you say it I'm going to pull out your tongue and lance it off with my laser beam". That usually keeps them nice and quiet.

Kadi - Kadi Prescott! Dropping the F bomb...I didn't know you did that!!! Thanks for the comment!

Leigh - Of course they could also be spurned by their love interests and my question would just serve as a further reminder of their unlovable selves. (I just re-read the above sentence and have decided I've had just about enough wine for one night....)

Bear Naked - We have a friend who brought a date to dinner at our place one night and I remember thinking, "Huh. This lady looks an awful lot like a dude." I said something to my husband later and he said something about me being a crazy, delusional, paranoid, psycho bitch. He might have a point but several months later we found out that she was a post-operative transvestite. I was like, "HA! In your face, SUCKA!!!"

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