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Coming Soon, to a Court of Law Near You!

I'm thinking about suing my neighbors kid. And let me tell you why:

There is a lawyer who is suing the casino's in Atlantic City because she lost her house, her lucrative business and her parents home (?!) due to her gambling addiction. It seems that she began going to Atlantic City to "relax" after her hard work as a Big Deal lawyer and pretty soon she became compulsive about it. She began "liberating" funds from her clients escrow accounts to pay for her habit which led to her being disbarred for stealing and generally just being a piece of shit.



All said and done she lost about a MILLION dollars. She is suing the casino's for $20 million. The casino's treated her like royalty by picking her up in their limo and paying for her suites at the hotel, etc. And now she's suing THEM. Unbelievable.

But then it occurred to me...

I am going to SUE that damn GIRL SCOUT who lives on my block! If she hadn't come to my home with her little pig tails and her big, doe eyes I NEVER would have bought those frigging Tagalong cookies! They are cookies of the devil...it's like a vanilla cookie with a smear of peanut butter on it and then it's DIPPED in CHOCOLATE!

I am, after all, only human!



And to make matters worse they PURPOSEFULLY put them in trays with six cookies per row. So you could never just have 2 or 3 cookies. NO! You are COMPELLED to eat the whole row! And then you realize, "Well, shit. I've eaten one third of the box of cookies. But seven is such a lucky number...I may as well have one more cookie. And then that second row is compromised. The next thing you know, TWO thirds of the box are gone. Whoops! What the fuck am I going to tell my kids??? They know that I bought these! You start panicking...which leads you to stuff the remaining six nuggets of death down your gullet and to scurry outside to bury the box and wrappings in the bottom of your garbage can at the curb. Which is why, when the bus gets to your house, the first thing your kids see (plus 50 of their little friends from school) is you, climbing out of a large garbage can, pulling a banana peel out of your hair.

I am totally going to sue that little stinker for everything she has. I'm so glad that it isn't MY fault that jeans are now too tight and that the kids saw me dumpster diving. I was really beginning to worry. I guess I owe the Gambling Lawyer a debt of gratitude for clearing this up for me.

I find that, after pissing away my family fortune at a casino and then gorging myself on Girl Scout cookies, Humor-Blogs really cheers me up. Check it out!
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Comments

Mom said…
I say we bring a class action against the girl scouts because those cookies have been calling my name for a like a week!
12:55 PM
Bee said…
Am I the only one that doesn't like Girl Scout cookies? Every time I tell people, they’re like “Oh, it’s because you haven’t tried this one or that one”, I try them and Meh…
2:49 PM
Memarie Lane said…
Everyone keeps talking about their girl scout cookies. I haven't seen a single girl scout this year! Waah!
4:21 PM
Bex said…
Steph - AMEN!!! I'm wit you! Those little hussies....

Bee - Ummm...YES. You ARE the only one! I am pretty MEH on most GS cookies but the Tagalongs...ahhhhh. So yummy. BUT. You must freeze them first. Really.

Marie - WHAT?! What kind of neighborhood are you in???? I have Girl Scouts EVERYWHERE around here. I've actually bought cookies from 5 different kids this year. I am going to be SO charming in my bathing suit at the pool this summer. People will be like, "OH! Bex must be expecting ANOTHER baby!" They'll ask my husband who will then be honor bound to kill them for thinking that.

To all - my husband read this and complained that I didn't say FUCK enough. Go figure. If you feel the same way, I'm sorry. I was trying to reel it in a bit as I was discussing Girl Scouts. So, Don, this is for you.... Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck.

Is that workin' for ya???
9:29 PM
Bee said…
Funny! My husband wants me to stop all my fucking swearing! hahahaha! :o)
11:48 PM
Bex said…
You must have come to the same realization, Bee, as I did - they are NEVER fucking happy! I mean, I am the REAL deal: I swear like a sailor, have a big ass and suck at anything resembling housework. Couple that with my surly attitude and this guy has it made, right???
6:04 PM
kcar said…
Man, can I sue myself - kind of like those Coke commercials. "I'd like to sue myself for selling myself Girl Scout Cookies." Wait, as the leader, do you think people like you can then go after me once they've wiped out all the assets of my little Brownies? Afterall, I am the King Cookie Pusher! "Come on, you know you want it, you know you want the cookie. Everyone else is eating the cookies, come on, just one won't hurt...". Guess I better call my lawyer in the morning.
6:11 PM
Unknown said…
Oh lordy lordy lordy, you are a breath of fresh air! I love your style of writing, I love that you cuss. I suck at housework, I cuss like a sailor and I blog. What more could I ask for? I am definitly adding you to my blogroll. I might even stumble you :)
8:07 PM
Bex said…
Kcar - The question is, can you sue YOURSELF if your cookie consumption becomes problematic. But, yes, as you pointed out, I WANT THE FUCKING COOKIE!!!! But...I, uh, ate them all. So....

EttaRose - Well! It's always nice to meet someone like minded! And may I add that I admire your comprehension of blogging terms. I'm still trying to figure out blogrolls, stumbling, yadda yadda yadda. Thanks for stopping by!
10:11 PM
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