What Smells So Bad?

My two daughters, Things 1 and 2, recently alerted me that their brother was in need of diapering attention. They did this in their typically elegant way...they made choking noises and screamed loudly, "MOMMMM!!! Thing 3 made a STINKY!!! Ewww....GROSS." I must say that I find this reaction fascinating from people who NEVER flush the toilet. In fact every morning I go on my Potty Rotation to flush all of the toilets in the house so that if, let's say, the exterminator makes a drop in visit he doesn't write on his blog about what a fucking skank I am.

Anyway, back to my diapering duty...as I was scraping you-know-what off of his you-know-what I thought to myself, "Self...this sure does smell bad. And it's so strong...it's like it's not completely contained within his...oh dear god...." This is when I noticed that he had Something all over his hands and forearms. And I'll bet his nose was itchy. I could tell because he left evidence there that implied he had been scratching it. Super Duper. As I was frantically going through a dozen or so wipes to get him clean my 8 year old (Thing1) strolled up to us and said, "WhatSmellsSoBad? WhatAreYouDoing? WhyDoesHe HaveStuffUp HisArmLikeThat?" I, of course, was frustrated because I was trying to hurry this process along before it got any worse (actually, is that possible??) so I tried to shut her down with, "Thing1! What does it look like?!"

Apparently they haven't yet covered rhetorical questions yet in the second grade because she answered me, "Well, from over here it looks like he stuck both of his arms up his butt and then wiped it around." I find myself wondering if there is a finishing school on the planet that could help us.

And so much for my self-imposed moratorium on fecal themed blogs.



Steph said…
That is the worst! And it sure doesn't help to have the peanut gallery telling what you already know!
Hey, join the club! Only, on my blog, it's all about vomit. Barf R Us! Do visit.
Bex said…

EXACTLY! It's remarkable...every stinking person in this house has a compelling need to state the obvious, "Oh, Mother! The baby has soiled himself and needs to be cleaned." is stated as I'm in the middle of wiping nastiness from his butt. OH! And one of my all time favorites, "Mom. Could I have a glass of milk?" as I'm pouring milk into 3 identical plastic duck cups. And, for the record, I don't ever drink out of them. At dinner time I can be found with either a martini or wine glass. And on rare occasions (ok, maybe not THAT rare) I have both.

Suburbancorrespondent, HI! Ah, barf. Yes, we speak barf here, too. I checked out your site for a chuckle...thanks!

Qtpies7 said…
Funny! My blog is frequently found from poop searches on google. Either of my blogs, actually. Good times.
blech, thank jeebus I am done with diapers. Now I am trying to teach the little one to wipe so I get to clean the rim of the toilet EVERY FACKING DAY!

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