Naked! Germans! And Planes! (OH MY...)

Take a walk with me, please. I have a topic I'd like to discuss. It involves nudity, Germans and an airplane. So if you don't want to "go there" by all means, go visit someone else's blog immediately. is the deal. There is an airline in Germany that is offering nudist flights. Now, before you start averting your eyes at the airport be assured that these folks must enter and leave the plane fully clothed. But I have a few comments about this and, without further ado, here they are, in no particular order:

Are the seats in this plane, perchance, disposable? I have the very dubious honor of being the person in our home who cleans the laundry. In this laundry pile that I SUFFER through weekly there are at least 30 pair of underwear. The underwear has been worn, at the most, for 14 hours by people I love dearly. But let's just say that things happen in underwear. Dirty things. Colorful things. Smelly things. Things that I wouldn't want my bare ass (and tutu) to get near. Especially if they came from some faceless stranger's plumbing.

So what the hell do you do on an airplane when countless, fat, hairy, smelly asses have been funking it up in your seat? And what if, god forbid, there is a bacon strip on the seat? "Um, Flight Attendant? Um, yeah... there is a brown stripe on my seat and, uh, I'd like a new seat assignment please."

FA will say, "I'm sorry sir, but the flight is full. If you want to fly Nudie Air you'll sit down and SHUT up."

Well, there you go. A dilemma to be sure.

And here is the other problem: people who are willing to fly on a nudist airplane are the VERY LAST folks you'd ever want to see naked. So unless they offer blindfolds when they take your boarding pass it is really hard to imagine this thing, well, flying (sorry for the bad pun).

Why would anyone want to do this anyway?? What happens if you drop one (out of the cherished 22) peanuts into your lap? Do you then eat it? Or do you look around to see if anyone saw you drop it into your naughty bits? If no, THEN you eat it. If yes, then you flick it onto the ground with a look of disgust on our face.

And as if THAT weren't horrific enough, what if you are the guy on the aisle. You are sitting (like you always do) next to the fattest, chattiest dude on the plane. He has seven too many Heineken's and, predictably, has to go and drain the lizard mid-flight. He squeezes his fat, pimply ass past you as you feign sleep (to avoid a conversation). That's all fine and dandy. It's his re-entry into your aisle that has you worried. What if a little bit of his pee swings off of his shrinky dink in your general direction?? Do you punch him in his hairy stomach? Throw yourself into the aisle behind you screaming, "NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" (Of course, this will land you onto the laps of other naked German dudes.) There is no good option here, either.

And will they have Air Marshall's?? If so where will they hide their fire arms - WAIT! Don't answer that!!!
Well look at what I just found. A picture. Of German Nudists. On an airplane. I'm disappointed that they aren't wearing German hats. Perhaps I WAS unfairly harsh. I'm just glad that they do have those protective cloths on the head rests. Because if a substance suddenly leaked out of the back of your head, the cushion is safe. (Is it me or does anyone else smell old, sweaty balls all of a sudden?)

I wonder if I know anyone who might fly on this airline. Someone? Anyone?? Diesel at Humor Blogs maybe???

PS I kind of wish I hadn't found that picture, by the way. I keep going back to it and thinking to myself, "Jesus. If I were naked and on an airplane is THAT what my ass would look like??" And those three guys in the first two rows - what do you suppose they are doing? Perhaps they are the type of guys who read the Airplane Emergency Brochure before a flight to ensure they know where all of the emergency doors are. Or, maybe they are the type of guys who like to play with their willys before the plane takes off on a Nudist flight. And then there is the guy with the bug eyes two rows back on our right. WHAT IS HE STARING AT??? And in my (hopefully) last disturbing thought for the morning, I find myself wondering if the chick with the ass shaves her armpits or not. Last I heard Germans weren't too big on that....


Marie said…
I'm assuming they'll have to make some adjustments to these planes. But then maybe a nudist wouldn't care about stuff like that?
You know I hover in public restrooms. That only takes a minute or two, I couldn't imagine having to hover for a couple hours.
damonm55 said…
"The captain has turned on the no naked fat ass light, all passengers over 300 pounds must re-cover the nastiness, thank you"

-First class would have to be a selection process! -d
Oh my god this si the first time i have read your blog, but not the last ....i'm still laughing
Bex said…

I don't know, man, I really think that even a nudist would draw the line at sitting on someone else's fecal footprint. Yick.

Wild Haired Woman,

I am hover challenged. I do think, however, that if I found myself on one of these flights I would first of all refuse to take of my clothes and second of all would be forced to poke my own eyes out. Naked German Tourists?? No thanks...


Dude! Way to break protocol by posting a comment funnier than the original post. Jeez....

And I'm all for selective first class seating. Unless I can't get in, of course, in which case it is a fascist idea.

Desert Dirt Diva,

Well howdy do! Welcome and thanks for the compliment.

And to all who posted comments: THANKS! I feel all warm and tingly...
Diesel said…
Somebody get these motherf*cking snakes off this motherf*cking plane!

I can't believe nobody else thought of that.
SunSpotBaby said…
HA HA HA!!! This is the funniest blog entry I've read in a LONG TIME!!! What a concept, what a picture!!! I'm thinking, per Diesel, that maybe that's what the 2 or 3 guys are so intently doing in the front seats - pulling the snakes off their willies!!! I swear, I can't stop laughing. I came to your blog from "15 Minute Lunch" and I will be back a lot more after this!!!
Bex said…

You're was a missed opportunity fo-shizzle. Glad you caught it!

Sun Spot Baby,

Well...thanks! I am a huge fan of the 15 minute lunch...he's SO funny!!! His JC Penny catalog post is probably the funniest blog I've ever read - ever. Anyway, welcome to my 'hood!

Cara said…
Hilarious! I think the three guys in the first two rows are hiding their faces in shame. At least that's what I'd be doing, but I guess I'm just shy like that. Love your blog, Bex!
Bex said…
Hi, Cara! I loved your blog, too, and I'm glad you stopped by.

I was thinking about your comment, about how these guys are probably hiding their faces. And I started wondering if the chick with the ass and hairy pits rolled by them first. Maybe their faces melted off at the sight of her. You think?? So they were just looking for their melted off face parts. In which case, now that I think about it, they'd be hiding their faces in shame anyway. Hmm.

See you around the blogosphere!

I'm laughing my head off here...and trying not to puke. Eeeew! That is the grossest? ...most gross? ...thing ever.
I found your blog through Humor Blogs and I'm glad I did. I now have it book marked. You're hilarious.
I think you forgot the most basic question here, which is "Why?"
Bex said…
Why indeed. An excellent question. If you study the picture (as I have) you'll notice that they don't even wear shoes. And somehow that is grosser or AT LEAST as gross as them not wearing panties! I mean, HELLOOOOOOO! Foot fungus, anyone? But I guess if you're going to sit on someone else's butt stains a little toe rash won't phase you. Ugh.

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