Theme Du Jour

Somebody FABULOUS wrote me not too long ago and said that she was enjoying the fecal theme of my blog. I was like...huh? What fecal theme?? Then I reread my latest entries and thought HOLY CRAP (pardon the pun)! I have an unintended fecal theme! Do I get extra points for that on the humor blog website?

So now every time I want to write something I screen it for potential fecal themes. Truth be told I'm having trouble figuring out what the hell to write about! How sad am I...I can't write ANYTHING without somehow tying it to that. So if I sound strained (jeez...the puns are flying at me! I really am trying to resist...) it's because I would like to have just a few blogs that don't center around my apparent fecal fascination. I may have to start that tomorrow.

Today I would like to talk about diet drugs. I keep seeing these ads on TV and feel as though they are taunting me. It sounds tempting...I'll look great and feel better! All of my friends will be jealous! My husband will look at me like I have a pork chop tied to my ass! My children will suddenly become obedient and kind to each other! Israel and Pakistan will go skipping, hand-in-hand, into the sunset!

The woman in the ad is SO happy! She's twirling slowly in a bikini on the beach with people looking on approvingly. Sweet bliss...then the male voice over begins whispering, "Results not typical. In fact, you might actually gain a little weight. It will probably give you dry mouth and a wet forehead. Some studies have shown it may temporarily (but significantly) increase the amount of course hair on your chest. And did we mention the gassy, oily discharge? It only happens in 78% of women on this drug. So if you don't mind a little incontinence, then THIS is the drug for you!"

The final shot is of the skinny model running through the surf with a Brad Pitt look-alike. And somehow I'm compelled.

Once I snap out of my attempt to enslave myself to the marketing of this product I begin to reflect on the whole shbang. People really take this stuff. I know a girl who took it for months and had to wear... ummm... protective padding on her backside in case she had an...incident.

Why not just come up with a pill that will give you a really bad stomach flu? There could be different strengths, like the 5mg will be as though you have mild food poisoning. Kind of a 24 hour, need to loose a quick 5 pounds kind of deal. The 10mg pill will be more like 3-5 days of illness BUT you lose 10-15 pounds. The 15mg strength is over a week of illness and you'll be a full 3 dress sizes smaller. Guaranteed! We could call it Diarrhex. Or Pukinacal. Or maybe the "I Think It Was The Shellfish Salad Solution".

The saddest thing is I happen to KNOW that if we somehow managed to slip this one by the FDA goalie it would be HUGE. People would buy it and take it. Drugstores would have to hire extra security in the beginning due to the stampede of fatties just dying to not leave the confines of their bathrooms for 1-7 days. And when they finally return to work all of their friends will be like, "Dude! You look FANTASTIC! What happened??" And they'll just smile..."Oh, nothing. Just a little stomach bug. I'm feeling MUCH better."

The Blog of Bex


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