I Just Love the Ballet

My mom invited me to bring my daughters, ages 6 and 8, to her home in NC to watch the Nutcracker ballet. So we left the hubby, the son and the puppy unsupervised and drove up yesterday for 24 hours of holiday bliss.

The drive to Winston-Salem normally takes about 5 hours so I guess I should consider myself lucky that it only took us 7 hours to get there. And in between pleading to stop somewhere and either eat or use the restroom my girls peppered me with "Are we there YET?!" comments. I'm surprised that I didn't bend the steering wheel through my frustration.

But we finally arrived and my mom had a bottle of wine open...suddenly things were looking up. The show started at 7:30 which is 30 minutes past when my kids typically go to bed. But I figured that one late night wouldn't hurt them. As the lights were dimming Allison, my 6 year old, suddenly looked a bit lackluster. Her skin was pale and her eyes were at half-mast. I remembered vaguely slipping her a Dramamine so that she would not puke in the car. I'll bet she's pretty tired.... I grew to the conclusion that my mom bought this kid a ticket to a hearty nap.

I noticed that at one point of the performance Allison had crept onto my mothers lap. Isn't that sweet? And I thought back over the day for the kids and how tired they must be. Poor things. And they were SO hungry and tired by the time we got to my moms place! Allison must have had 5 glasses of milk! I looked at her, innocently on moms lap, snuggled into her shoulder, and tried to remember the last time she'd gone to the bathroom. Hmmm...not here at the show...did she go at moms? I don't think so...

I envisioned a tidal wave of urine washing over my mothers black silk outfit, onto the floor of the Stephens Center and flowing into the orchestra pit. The horn section would get hit first. There would be screams, of course, and the customary choruses of "Oh my God! Is that...it couldn't be...NOOOO!!!!". People would leap out of the way, men would dive on top of the river to save their wives and kids...mass pandemonium. But my disturbed fantasy never came to fruition. Allison soldiered through it and managed to stay awake throughout the performance. She's such a trouper!

So I got bored again. I started paying close attention to the costumes these people were wearing. If you are going to dance in ballet and want a nice looking costume then I STRONGLY recommend that you be a woman. All of the women's costumes seemed designed to make them look good. The ornate bodices were cut to display their trim waists. The skirts had layer upon layer of tulle, sprinkled with sequins to really dazzle us while they twirled. The Sugar Plum Fairy, who was carried onto the stage on a male dancers shoulder, is a perfect example of this. She was stunning with her beautiful tutu and sparkling tiara.

In stark contrast it seemed the males costume was designed to make him look ridiculous. He was wearing a very colorful but short coat and...not much else. He had on white stockings, of course, but they were strange looking. The back of it was crammed impossibly up his ass and in the front was this enormous, unnatural looking BULGE. What the hell did he have in there, I wonder? An award winning gourd from his garden? The Chia Pet he's planning on giving his parents for Christmas? A bicycle helmet he'll wear on the ride home? Hmmm.

It's probably a good thing that I go to the ballet only once a year because now, on top of everything, I have the Chia Pet ditty resonating in my head, "Ch-ch-ch-Chia!"



Popular posts from this blog

Every woman's dream - a homemade MacGyver vibrator (with the optional mullet attachment)

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

The Wild and Wonderful World of Animal Butts