Would you like to donate a dollar to charity?

I think that I might be a cheap bastard. And here is why - I really hate it when I'm getting ready to pay for something at a store, the clerk looks at me with big puppy dog eyes and says, "Would you like to give a dollar to end world hunger? What about a dollar for breast cancer? Don't you even like women? Would you give a dollar to end all worldly pain and suffering?? What kind of ass ARE you anyway?!"

I always say no thanks with a hopefully polite expression on my face. But it makes me feel bad. Well...not so much bad as in I should have given up my dollar. But it annoys me that they ask. And they ask when my money is out. So they KNOW - for a fact - that I do indeed have a dollar to spare.

And then after I say no an uncomfortable silence falls between us. I try to think of something nice to say about ANYTHING while the clerk angrily scans and throws my eggs towards the bagger (who is openly staring at me with his mouth ajar). So then I start overcompensating for my cheapness. I say, "THANK you SO much! That was just wonderful!!! I hope you have a GREAT day! Don't work too hard, now!!! OK...I'm leaving...so....bye, now!"

I skulk into the parking lot, looking for orphans to kick. Because, after all, I am an ass-y cheap bastard. And that's what we do.


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